Adam LaVorgna

Timothy "Dildo/Dunph" Dunphy (Shawn Hatosy), is in the Class of 1974 in his high school senior year living in Pawtucket, Rhode Island, comes from a troubled single parent working-class family, and is friends with those that have aspirations which do not exceed smoking marijuana at the water tower that has a view of the town. His father, Pat (Alec Baldwin), suffers from his wife committing suicide and appears naïve when the boys come back to the Dunphy's house to get a bong. A regularly held poker game is in progress. Pat insists that the boys be respectful and come in to say hello. The boys' intention is undetected by Pat that they are using drugs when Dunph's wheelchair-using younger brother, Jackie (Tommy Bone), attempts to hand off the bong wrapped in Dunph's coat. It falls to the floor. Jackie suggests that it is a musical horn which Pat's friend, Joey (George Wendt), asks Dunph to demonstrate, only able to make sounds about which Pat is dismissive. Pat's friends chuckle at Pat's reaction. Off the boys go on their adventures. The guys head home with Dunph at the wheel but he is unable to see the road with the cloud of marijuana smoke filling the cab. He rear-ends a police vehicle. Pat's poker game player, Caveech, uses his influence with a local judge to replace a reform school sentence with the stipulation of parole graduating high school at Cornwall Academy, a Connecticut boys' boarding school with a sister school nearby under the same name. Failure to graduate vacates the terms of parole and he will serve a one year jail sentence. He meets the rigid dorm master, Mr. Funderburk (Timothy Crowe), who emphases learning the school rules book. Dunph learns that new friend Wheeler and other new schoolmates, a class of people that seem to have more opportunities than himself, are involved in their own mischief just like the boys back home. Billy Fu is one particular example. He is a middle eastern exchange student with "the best reefer on campus". He routinely misses classes without repercussion because his father pledges a large donation to the school on the condition that Billy graduate. Dunph is no longer just any student at the school when "Drugs" Delaney (Jon Abrahams), writes Dunph with his particular colorful words and addressing the letter in the most simplest of ways that the school has to open it to learn of the contents; Dunph has low regard for both the school and Mr. Funderburk. Dunph routinely gets sanctioned with work hours as punishment for his school rules transgressions. He also develops a friendship with a sister school student, Jane Weston (Amy Smart), regarded as "hands down, the coolest girl in school". A romance develops and through her advice he learns about personal fulfillment which could be achieved by an education. She and others are found out by Mr. Funderburk smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol in a dorm room of the boys' dorm. The incident is resolved, unknown to Dunph's knowledge until too late, with Jane expelled for school rules violations. Dunph feels responsible for dashing Jane's goal of attending Brown University following graduation. He concludes: Wheeler's acceptance at Yale University is weighed heavily by a letter of recommendation from Funderburk and Wheeler was caught with marijuana during an earlier raid; therefore Wheeler made his own deal with Funderburk to inform on others which resulted in Jane being expelled. Dunph resolves to see Jane's college plans revitalized by speaking with the Dean at Brown University, as he explains that she was the innocent party in the incident. Dunph comes to terms with his father's apprehension discussing the death in the family because the latter felt responsible for imposing on her a life that she could not handle; she being too young when they married, depressed and agoraphobic. Dunph refuse to shake Funderburk's hand at the graduation ceremony in the auditorium and exits after asking his classmates for his "luggage". He then meets up with his father and Jackie as they arrive. Pat hands over an acceptance letter from the Community College of Rhode Island where Dunph points out that everyone is accepted although he could then transfer to a "senior college...where people sleep over and shit." Pat congratulates Dunph for being the first of the family to go to college and the younger brother not to be trumped surmises the possibility that it just very well may be that Jackie himself may be the first to graduate. Alternate ending An alternate ending is found on the DVD, which has Dunph leaving the graduation ceremonies, meeting Jackie and Clopsy, their three-legged dog. Also showing up is Jane, whom Dunph shares a passionate kiss with, which annoys Funderburk, who wastes no time in rebuking both Dunph and Jane. Dunph responds by punching Funderburk, knocking him to the sidewalk.

A prince awakens a princess with a kiss, though she rejects his romantic advances (as she argues that she hasn't even been engaged yet and has missed the entire courtship period) and runs away. The princess says that she has ambition and drive. An American beautician named Joy Miller (Fran Drescher) does odd jobs in the TV industry, performing hair and makeup duties on the Lotto girl before she goes on air for her brief appearance. Joy lives with her parents Jerry (Michael Lerner) and Judy (Phyllis Newman). Judy asks Joy to settle in life and not keeping waiting endlessly for her to fulfill her ambition. Joy is adamant that she will not marry until she meets the right guy. Joy teaches students at a night beauty school (to supplement her income) to groom hair but is put out of business when one of her students accidentally ignites hair spray with his cigarette, eventually leading to the school burning down. Joy ends up being highlighted in a newspaper New York Post article after she helps her students, and the caged animals escape the building successfully. Joy had made several trips inside a burning building, but made sure that she rescues all the animals, including a python that she takes in her handbag. The article is seen by Ira Grushinsky (Ian McNeice), a diplomatic representative of a small Eastern European country called Slovetzia (bordered by Hungary, Romania, and Ukraine), a country she never heard of. Ira has been sent to the United States to find a tutor for the Four children of Slovetzia's President, and, mistakenly thinking that Joy is an academic teacher, offers the job to her. However, she misinterprets his job offer as teaching hair-styling. Although she has never heard of the country, she accepts the job despite her initial hesitation. Ira says that the job pays $40,000 per year. It is only after they arrive in Slovetzia that Ira realizes his error. Ira thought that Joy was a science teacher, and she says that she didn't even pass science in school. By then it is too late, and Joy agrees to keep up the ruse of being a "real" teacher for the time being. The initial meeting of Joy with the President, a dictator named Boris Pochenko (Timothy Dalton), gets off on the wrong foot. Boris prepares a full military guard to welcome Joy, but she ends up being late for the appointment as she was still busy putting on make-up. Boris warns Joy not to take her job lightly. He wants her to prepare his kids to face the western world and wants Joy to be prompt and efficient. Joy gets along well with his four children Katrina (Lisa Jakub), Karl (Adam LaVorgna), Yuri (Kyle and Tyler Wilkerson) and Masha (Heather DeLoach). Karl is very uptight, like his father, and wants Joy to teach him about the decadent American ways. Katrina is warm and inviting and is open to new ideas and thoughts. Joy teaches them of life outside Slovetzia (like the concept of Democracy, frequent flier miles, risk of cancer due to sun exposure) and helps them gain confidence in themselves. Joy encourages Karl to pursue his dream of becoming an artist, who feels pressured to be more like his father. Katrina tells Joy that all she wants to have is sex (her concept of sex is holding hands and eating ice cream), and wants to date a boy. Katrina says that her marriage is already confirmed to a prince, as per Boris' wishes. Joy encourages Katrina to speak to Boris directly, but he is enraged instead. Boris is adamant that Katrina will have an arranged marriage, as is the custom of their society. Joy frequently clashes with Pochenko, who is disturbed by her fierce independence and the fact that he cannot frighten her. Joy tells Boris that he is only ruling his children by fear and that he needs to earn their respect. Joy's presence in Slovetzia is due to Pochenko's desire to change his reputation among other Western nations as a "beast". His second-in-command, Leonid Kleist (Patrick Malahide) is against Pochenko's "softening" strategy and wants to crush the growing rebellion among Slovetzia's youth. Joy eventually learns that Katrina is in love with Alek (Timothy Dowling), one of the leaders of the youth rebellion. Joy finds Katrina outside the castle, and she takes Joy to a hidden nightclub, where she meets Alex. Unfortunately, Katrina is followed by the castle guards and Alek is captured by Pochenko. Joy secretly helps Katrina sneak to his cell to see him. A summit of visiting emissaries is arriving in Slovetzia to meet with Pochenko, and Joy convinces him that the best way to prove that he is a modern-thinking man would be to throw a party for visiting emissaries during a summit meeting to debut his new image. She encourages him to form closer relationships with his citizens and shaves his mustache. During a trip to a factory, Joy realizes that Slovetzia lacks trade unions and encourages the workers to hold a strike. Joy is put in charge of preparations, and during this time she and Pochenko grow closer. As part of the summit, Boris considers releasing Alek despite Leonid's disapproval. On the evening of the dinner, Joy confesses that she is not an academic teacher, but by this time Pochenko does not care about her credentials, only that she has brought happiness to him and his family. Later, Leonid confronts Joy with the fact that she has been helping Katrina meet Alek. When this information is brought to Pochenko, he argues with Joy on her meddling. Following Boris' decision to keep Alek in jail, Joy informs him that she had set up meetings between Alek and Katrina; he argues with Joy over her meddling in Slovetzia's political affairs. Joy decides to leave Slovetzia for good. Some months pass. Leonid has quietly taken over administrative duties and signing sentences in Pochenko's name. Pochenko, made aware of this fact by Ira, confronts Leonid and strips him of his duties. Pochenko realizes that he has spent many months depressed and discontent after Joy's leaving and decides that it is time to change his ways. Joy is back at home with her parents. She has also been depressed after leaving Slovetzia, but then receives a surprise visit by Pochenko. Boris informs her that he has freed Alek and agreed to hold free elections in Slovetzia. Boris kisses Joy after admitting his feelings for her.

A group of young boys befriend a prostitute named V. Young Frank and his pals get an idea for the ultimate in excitement. They decide to pool their savings, bicycle to the nearby Big City, and hire some woman of the streets to strip for them. Things do not work out that simply, but they do meet V, a Hooker With A Heart Of Gold, who ends up giving them a ride home. Soon she is living in Frank's treehouse, unbeknownst to Frank's widowed father Tom, who thinks she is one of Frank's teachers. Soon, however, the evil Waltzer comes looking for V.