Bobcat Goldthwait

One hundred and fifty years ago, this nation was divided by war. Thousands of men lost their lives, though one Man, Levi Cane, was given a second chance. In a search across North Carolina for his long lost love, Cane finds out he's in for more than he bargained for. Hunted by five shooters and on an all out run to to the coast, young Levi Cane must find the will, physically and spiritually to make it out alive. —Anonymous

Shakes is good at his job as party clown - when he's sober and shows up. Five druggy clowns frame him for the murder of his boss. Shakes plods about his duties as party clown, and uses all of his free time getting seriously drunk. Binky, another clown, wins the spot on a local kiddie show, which depresses Shakes even more, and his boss threatens him with unemployment if he can't get his act under control. When someone murders Shakes' boss and makes it look like Shakes did it, he goes undercover, posing as a hated mime, and tries to find information that will clear his name. —Ed Sutton <esutton@mindspring.com>

Francis "Frank" Xavier Cross is a conceited, cynical television programming executive who has the position of president for television network IBC. Frank has found great success and wealth but only by becoming cold-hearted and arrogant. In the opening scenes, he is seen working out in a room with a border that reads "Cross: (n) A thing they nail people to." His ruthless concentration on his career has alienated him from his family, having only an "at arm's length" relationship with his brother James, who is now his only living blood relative. Frank overworks his assistant Grace Cooley, forcing her to constantly break plans with her family and neglect her mute son Calvin. When a disturbing TV commercial that Frank personally produced is criticized by timid staff member Eliot Loudermilk, Frank responds by firing him on Christmas Eve. Frank's boss Preston Rhinelander comes to Frank's office with an idea about reaching out to the animal audience, and takes the liberty of hiring Frank an assistant, weaselly sycophant Brice Cummings, who is transparently after his job. When Cross is given the task of heading up a live Christmas Eve broadcast of A Christmas Carol, his life begins to mirror the story he's producing. The decomposing corpse of his mentor, media mogul Lew Hayward who had died of a heart attack seven years prior, comes back to visit to tell him the error of his ways, or as Lew puts it "All my success and prestige ended on the 14th hole when I dropped dead", and warns a similar doom is befalling Frank. Lew also tells him three Ghosts will come. Frank awakens in his office, seemingly a nightmare, but Lew causes Frank's phone to call Claire Phillips, Frank's warm-hearted ex-girlfriend. The Ghost of Christmas Past appears as a loudmouthed New York City cab driver, and takes Frank back to his childhood in 1955 where his mother Doris Cross is watching The Lone Ranger with him, until his drunk and angry father Earl Cross comes home after a hard day of working at the meat packing plant, and gives him a side of veal for a Christmas present when Frank wanted a train set. Mrs. Cross says Mr. Cross was supposed to go to the toy store, and Frank's father snarls that Frank should buy his own toys. The ghost chides Frank for not doing anything in his youth except watch TV, then takes him to his late teens in 1968 when he had his first job at the TV station, where at a Christmas party he met Claire, then 1969 for his first anniversary with Claire, where they enjoy a Christmas with simple gifts. The Ghost of Christmas Past finally takes him to 1971, the year in which he chose his job as "Frisbee the Dog" over Claire, and to have dinner with Lew Hayward (who was the president of the network at the time) instead of with friends. The sequence shows how Frank gradually became the man he is in the present, first through his father, who was a blue-collar version of Frank, who in the 1955 scene ranted about how most men at the meatpacking plant are lazy slobs who make up excuses to get out of work, and in the 1971 scene when Frank breaks up with Claire because her friends offered no connections to get ahead. The Ghost of Christmas Present then appears as a life-size pixie who's cheerful, childlike demeanor offsets her violent behavior; she shows him how Grace's family lives in poverty because of his stinginess and how much his brother misses him. After the second ghost's visit, Eliot Loudermilk, now deranged and drunk after spending Christmas on the streets, storms the office with a Double-barrel shotgun and tries to murder Frank. The Ghost of Christmas Future, a seven-foot-tall ghoul with a TV screen for a face, appears and shows Frank a future in which Calvin has ended up in a mental hospital, Claire has become as cold and uncaring as he is, and only James and James' wife attend his sparse and sterile cremation. As he feels his body being burned, Frank finally sees the error of his ways and begs for a second chance. He awakens back in his office, just as the live broadcast is approaching its climax. The reformed Frank rehires Loudermilk at a considerable salary increase, and enlists his help to hijack the live broadcast. Frank steps in front of the rolling studio cameras, and publicly wishes his viewers a Merry Christmas and delivers a manic but heartfelt speech about the true meaning of Christmas. Calvin urges him to add Tiny Tim's phrase, "God bless us, everyone", finally breaking free of his mute condition. Claire rushes to the studio, aided by the Ghost of Christmas Past, who offers her a ride, and comes on set as Frank reconciles with her, sharing a romantic kiss as Grace and the other television workers start to sing "Put a Little Love in Your Heart". Frank looks up to see Lew Hayward and the Ghosts commend him, then vanish.

When the State decides to close one of the two Police Academies, Commandant Lassard`s Police Academy finds itself in deep trouble.

Cartoonist "Hoops" McCann (John Cusack) works on a scholarship application to the Rhode Island School of Design (RISD), before rushing off to attend his high school graduation ceremony. Hoops comes from a long-line of professional basketball players (his father and grandfather, great-grandfather, etc.) but was rejected for a sports scholarship to his college of choice due to his poor basketball performance on the school team of not scoring a single hoop. Hoops can't even throw a paper wad into a wastebasket from three feet away (a running gag used throughout the movie). At school, Hoops joins his best friend, George Calamari (Joel Murray), who persuades Hoops to spend two weeks partying on Nantucket Island before heading off to college. George stops to pick up his 10-year-old sister, Squid (Kristen Goelz), after school. She and her injured dog, Bosco, join George and Hoops for the trip to Nantucket after Squid shows that she does not tolerate any verbal abuse from others over her dog's ugly appearance. When two young girls make fun of Bosco and contort their faces, Squid slaps them on their backs and their faces stay that way. They both run off screaming. They stop for gas, and Hoops uses the restroom. A group of bikers led by Stain (John Matuszak) check the stalls looking for a woman named Cassandra (Demi Moore). As Stain demands his money, Hoops finds Cassandra's cash hidden in the towel dispenser, and throws the bills up in the air. He runs out, grabs Cassandra, and they jump into George's car. George speeds to the ferry, which is leaving the dock. George's car lands on the ferry deck, while the lead biker, Stain, falls into the bay (and getting little fish harpooned to his spiked pink-colored hairstyle). During the ferry ride, Cassandra informs them that she is visiting her grandfather, Mr. Eldridge, who lives on the island. When they arrive, she suggests they might meet again. George introduces Hoops to his friends, fraternal Stork twins Clay (Tom Villard) and Egg (Bobcat Goldthwait), two dim-witted local auto mechanics who are currently working as private security guards on a Hollywood film set for a movie titled 'Foam 2', a horror film about a dolphin with rabies menacing the community (a nod to the film series 'Jaws'). The group arrives at the home of George's grandparents. Grandma (Billie Bird) fusses over Squid while George's insane Uncle Frank (Bruce Wagner) has locked himself in a bedroom, listening obsessively to the local radio station, trying to win an on-air contest. The crotchety man tells his nephew and Hoops to scram. George and Hoops go to Target Beach, the local artillery range, and meet another friend, Ack Ack "Acky" Raymond (Curtis Armstrong), who collects mortar shells for his father, the gung-ho General Raymond (Joe Flaherty), the owner of the local guns and ammo store, who also heads up the local Scout troop. As they drive past a cemetery, Hoops notices Cassandra at her grandfather's funeral. Meanwhile, at the estate of the island's richest and most powerful family, the Beckersteds, Aguilla (Mark Metcalf) asks his spoiled son, Teddy (Matt Mulhern), if he is prepared to win this year's sailing regatta. Teddy has a new sailboat but the stakes are high. Old Man Beckersted (William Hickey), Teddy's wealthy grandfather, has vowed to disown Aguilla and Teddy if the young man does not win the trophy. Aguilla wants to use his father's resources to purchase the late Mr. Eldridge's property and build condominiums. However, his plan will be foiled if Cassandra raises $3,000 to pay Eldridge's back taxes. As Hoops walks with Cassandra on the beach, she explains her financial predicament. In addition, she worries that the friends her grandfather invited to live at the house will soon be homeless. Cassandra decides to sell some of her grandfather's furniture to raise money. Hoops draws cartoons to cheer her up (showing one of several animated sequences throughout the film of a "Lonely Rhino" searching for "Love" a blind cupid, while evading the evil and wealthy "Fuzzy Bunnies"). A few days later on the beach, Hoops works at his drawings until George suggests that the Stork twins entertain his friend. As they chat, Teddy's girl friend, Cookie Cambell (Kimberly Foster), asks Hoops, Clay, and Egg to help her launch her boyfriend's sailboat. Hoops declines Cookie's offer to go sailing but agrees to her offer to take in a movie at the local drive-in theater that evening. Later that evening at nightfall, Hoops learns that Cassandra has raised some money selling her grandfather's furniture. Cassandra invites him to the Dew Drop Inn to hear her play guitar, where she hopes to raise more money. Hoops promises to be there, but he has already made the movie date with Cookie. He tells his friends that he prefers to watch Cassandra perform, but Cookie shows up at the door, and he feels obligated to go to the movies with her. He asks the Storks to keep an eye on Teddy at his family's house in case he leaves to look for Cookie. At the Dew Drop Inn bar/restaurant, Cassandra takes the stage to play her acoustic guitar and sing, but there is hardly anyone in attendance. She also looks a little disappointed that Hoops is not there. On the film set of 'Foam 2', Egg takes over for his brother, watching the costume trailer and gets himself stuck in a Godzilla costume when he tries it on for a gag. When he realizes he has to be at the Beckerstead's party at 8:00 pm to watch Teddy, he is forced to go there in the costume. At the drive-in theater, Hoops buys snacks, and Teddy's friend, Ty (Jeremy Piven), notices that Hoops is with Cookie. Ty telephones his friend and reports that Cookie is on a date with Hoops. The news sends Teddy into a jealous rage. Elsewhere, Grandma takes Squid on a drive into town for dinner. While at a gas station, the two attendants make fun of Squid's dog, prompting Squid to roll up her car window and trap their neckties. Grandma drives off, dragging them down the road. At the Beckersted estate, Egg (still stuck in his Godzilla costume) hides in the bushes where a fundraiser is being held to raise money for the condo developments on the Elderidge property, and some Japanese investors are in attendance. When Old Man Beckersted throws a lit cigar away, it lands in Egg's Godzilla mouth. Egg goes crazy and crashes the party with smoke billowing out of his costume's mouth and stomps on the condo development models (resembling a Japanese monster movie of Godzilla stomping on city buildings) before running away into the night. Back at the drive in theater, Cookie is bored, and suggests that they go to "the Point" and look at the moon. At the Point, General Raymond delivers a rousing speech to his Boy Scout troop about how their overnight retreat is a perfect opportunity to practice their rescue skills. Just then, Hoops slips and falls, and the scouts descend and wrap him in bandages like a mummy. The scouts chase after Cookie, but she runs away and Teddy picks her up in his car, Cookie unfairly blaming Hoops and his friends for her terrified state. George rescues Hoops, and they drive to the Dew Drop Inn, but it is closed for it is after 11:00pm. Egg also arrives still dressed in his Godzilla costume as well as Acky and Clay, and they all help Egg out of the costume. When Teddy arrives with his friends and threatens to beat up Hoops, Cassandra steps in and challenges Teddy to compete against Hoops in a series of free-throw basketball shots (unaware that Hoops is terrible at basketball). Using Ack Ack as a makeshift "basket", Teddy makes every shot and Hoops misses every shot. Teddy is eager to rough up Hoops, but Cassandra sprays mace so that her new friends can escape. Hoops thanks her, and apologizes for missing her performance. A few days later, Hoops sees Cassandra at the beach, and offers to use his animation skills to help her fund raise. He creates an animated advertisement for Cassandra's performance, and shows it at the drive-in. He and his friends also hand out concert fliers in town. When Aguilla Beckersted realizes that Cassandra might raise enough money to save her grandfather's property, he enlists Teddy to prevent her from performing. Hoops and his friends fight back by pouring barrels of live lobsters into the Beckersted swimming pool. When Teddy goes for a swim with Cookie, the lobsters attack them both. Cassandra's concert is a success, but when she shows up to pay the tax bill, the meek banker explains that he already sold the mortgage to Old Man Beckersted. In revenge, Aguilla reveals more of his ruthlessness when he kicks and severely injures Squid's dog, who has to go to the animal hospital (staffed mostly by animals). Cassandra is ready to give up, but Acky suggests they enter and win the regatta by beating Teddy. The friends work to repair a shoddy boat, and Cassandra persuades Hoops to be captain. As they finish the boat, they realize they don't have a very powerful engine. Clay shows up with Teddy's Ferrari to have it serviced at their garage. Egg notices that Clay has a black eye given to him by Teddy. Egg becomes enraged, grabs a chainsaw and approaches Teddy's Ferrari... Race day arrives and most people laugh at Hoops' team and their boat, which looks silly next to the higher end sloops. The race begins with each team rowing out of the harbor. When they start to fall behind, George eggs Egg on with negative news about his favorite wrestling star and they begin to make up some distance. Teddy's team pulls way out in front when the rest of the boats hoist their sails for the next leg of the run. After a few miles, Aguilla Beckersted appears aboard Teddy's boat and sabotages Hoops' team by cutting their lanyard line with an arrow from a cross bow. Unable to thread the rope at the top of the mast, Hoops uses a small weight, and on a million-to-one shot, throws the small bearer ball through the hoop at the top (thus ending his curse at not being able to score any hoops). As Hoops, George, Acky, Clay and Egg sail on, Aguilla aims another arrow to put a hole in Hoops' craft, when the mechanical dolphin from 'Foam 2', powered by Squid, rams into the boat. Aguilla falls overboard where the mechanical dolphin "eats" him alive. The top hatch pops open and Squid cheerfully waves. In the last lap, the racers retract the sails and engage the boats' engines. Teddy leaves his father in the water and speeds toward the finish. Hoops' team all don anti-aircraft helmets and blow the boat's rear "hatch", revealing the engine from Teddy's Ferarri, installed by the Stork twins after Egg's rampage. Hoops and his friends speed to victory (giving 'the finger' to Teddy, Ty and the rest of his snobby friends). Afterward, Hoops offers Teddy the trophy in exchange for the Eldridge house. However, Old Man Beckersted, impressed with the novice team's effort, informs Cassandra that he is returning the Eldridge property to her and there will be no real estate development. Hoops and Cassandra celebrate and kiss for the first time. Also, Squid's dog is alive and returns to her... after giving birth to a litter of puppies at the animal hospital. In the final scene sometime later, George's uncle Frank finally wins the radio call-in contest for $1 million, but his phone gets disconnected before he can tell the DJ his name and his prize is given away to someone else; he snaps and promptly uses a rocket launcher to fire a guided missile to blow up the radio station. The Stork twins arrive in their tow truck and head to the fiery remains to roast marshmallows.