Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko (Steve Martin) is in charge of the motor pool at Fort Baxter, a small United States Army base that develops new military technology. Exploiting this position, he directs a number of scams, ranging from gambling (Somebody said they are as strong as a horse and Bilko organized a betting game to actually test it in a tug of war against the horse. Bilko gets his man to lose the first match, only to up the stakes and then his man taking down the horse to win big) to renting out military vehicles. He plans to open up a day care center on base to get access to the kids allowances. Sgt. Henshaw (John Marshall Jones) & Sgt. Raquel Barbella (Pamela Adlon), work with Bilko on his scams. Spc. Dino Paparelli (Max Casella) runs the casino. Spc. Luis Clemente (John Ortiz) is the IT guy. Spc. Tony Morales (Dan Ferro) runs the bar. Pfc. Mickey Zimmerman (Mitchell Whitfield) is the man without any personality. Newly assigned Private First Class Wally Holbrook (Daryl Mitchell) is disgusted with this blatant violation of army protocol. Bilko wants Holbrook to roll back the odometer to the General's car, as he has been renting it out. His commanding officer, Colonel John Hall (Dan Aykroyd), overlooks Bilko's money-making schemes, as he is more concerned with problems in the "Hover Tank" that the base is designing. The army is closing a lot of facilities lately and if the Hover Tank fails, Fort Baxter might also get on the list. Maj. Ebersole (Austin Pendleton) is in charge of the Hover Tank development and he himself is not confident of its performance under battle conditions. Major Colin Thorn (Phil Hartman), an officer from the U.S. Army Inspector General's office, arrives at the camp and begins to scrutinize Bilko's record. Officially, Thorn is at Fort Baxter to conduct a general inspection of the Hover Tank program and determine if the base should remain open in light of recent defense cutbacks. He is also determined to get revenge on Bilko to settle an old score the two have from Fort Dix, where Thorn was nearly court-martialed after a fixed boxing match (Bilko had fixed the fight. He made a deal with one of the fighters to take a dive for 50% of the winnings. But later, one of his men make a mistake and pay the other fighter, who thinks it's a good amount of money and decides to take a dive. Hence both fighters in the ring take a dive (for 3 rounds none of them landed a single punch) without so much as being touched by each other) (Thorn went into the fighter's locker and found the money, but was found by military police, who think Thorn was paying off the fighter to take the dive) which resulted in Thorn being shipped off to Greenland in the belief that he tried to fix the fight. Every time the hover tank fires, it rolls back uncontrollably due to Newton's third law of motion. Thorn is determined to shut the base down. When Thorn finds out that Bilko is on the base, that's just the icing on the cake. Thorn organizes surprise 90 second inspections of Bilko's barracks, forcing him to switch barracks (since his own is a total mess) to pass the inspection. The men have to explain a lot of things like black family photographs in the room of a white man, ladies' undergarments in men's room and so on. One of Bilko's men is 50 pounds overweight, and Thorn wants him under in 6 weeks. Bitter and unprincipled, Thorn is not above breaking the law to ruin Bilko. He attempts to steal Bilko's long-time fiance Rita (Glenne Headly), whom Bilko has stood up at the altar more than a dozen times (they play cards every time they meet afterwards). Rita is tired of waiting and gives Bilko 30 days to win her back or lose her for good. Thorn starts dating Rita and even proposes to her. Thorn calls 1st Lt. Oster (Chris Rock) & 1st Lt. Monday (Cathy Silvers) from the Inspector General's office to audit the motor pool accounts. Hall asks Bilko to do whatever to make it do away. Bilko plays every trick in the book, double counting the inventory, suggesting that Monday has a thing for Oster to distract him. They find nothing. Bilko is nice at heart and helps Holbrook get a date with a pretty lady he meets at the bar (by getting rid of her date). Thorn is still on Bilko's ass and wants to inspect his company at 0500 the next day. The platoon is on the verge of riots, and Bilko organizes to get them to take part in desert maneuvers, which incidentally are just 50 miles outside of Vegas. But, unknown to Bilko, Thorn had permitted this, so he could get his auditors inside Bilko's computers to find dirt on him. After Monday breaks into Bilko's computers, Thorn sends them off, and then proceeds to make a fake file on diversion of funds and parts from the Hover Tank project. Thorn presents the report to Hall. Thorn wants Hall to transfer Bilko to Greenland. Bilko gets his orders, and his platoon sees him crying. Bilko, with the help of newly assigned Private First Class Wally Holbrook (Daryl Mitchell), devises a means of avoiding Thorn's attempt to transfer him to Greenland (he proposes to stage a successful demo of the hover tank to prove that Bilko has not been diverting money from it): He rigs a demonstration of the base's malfunctioning Hover Tank (Bilko tells Hall that the base is being closed unless the tank test is a success), staged before a four-star general and numerous dignitaries. Since Thorn had deliberately tried to sabotage the tank the previous night, he confronts Bilko, Hall, and the general, loudly insulting Bilko and Hall. While ranting, he confesses to sabotaging the Hover Tank (Bilko had sent word via his men in a bar, to Thorn that the Hover Tank is working and Thorn came to the shed at night to remove the control circuits, and Bilko was there taking photos). Thorn is sent off again to Greenland. The last day of Rita's ultimatum has come. Just as she sadly begins to write Bilko off forever, Rita hears men outside her house, serenading her with a favorite song of hers and Bilko's. Looking out, she sees Bilko and his platoon. Bilko asks Rita to marry him, and she accepts. The next day is their wedding day, but Rita shows up late, due to a mix-up over Daylight Saving Time. After they play another card game, they finally get married. Unknown to Bilko, Rita is holding four aces in her hand.
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