John DiSanti

A San Francisco civilian police detective is forced to work on a series of murders with his former enemy commanding officer while dating his daughter. Jay Austin is now a civilian police detective. Lieutenant Colonel Alan Caldwell was his commanding officer several years before when he left the military police over a disagreement over the handling of a drunk driver. Now a series of murders that cross jurisdictions force them to work together again. That Austin is now dating Caldwell's daughter is not helping the relationship at all. —John Vogel <jlvogel@comcast.net> At the Presidio, the Army base in San Francisco, a female M.P. was conducting her rounds when she came across the officer's club and the door had been forced open. She went to investigate and was shot. The individuals who broke in got into their car and drove off, and what followed was high speed chase that got both the Army M.P.s and the San Francisco police involved, which ended badly for both. Jay Austin, a San Francisco Police detective, is sent to investigate and he is met by Lieutenant Colonel Alan Caldwell, who was his commanding officer, when he was an M.P. at the Presidio. It seems that Austin tried to arrest an Army officer, but didn't follow procedures, and Caldwell didn't support him, and the murdered M.P. was Austin's partner. A preliminary investigation casts suspicion on the officer Austin tried to arrest. —rcs0411@yahoo.com

In Chicago, Illinois, undercover police detectives Danny Costanzo (Billy Crystal) and Ray Hughes (Gregory Hines) spot two criminals, Julio Gonzales (Jimmy Smits) and "Snake", (Joe Pantoliano) getting out of a parked Mercedes-Benz. Gonzales recognizes the officers, jumps back in the car, and drives off, leaving Snake holding an attaché case. Snake runs down the alley to his third floor apartment, as the officers chase him. They persuade Snake to invite them inside, but he refuses to hand over the briefcase. When he asks if they have a search warrant, the policemen warn him that he will be uncomfortably detained for as long as it takes them to do the paperwork. Reluctantly, Snake surrenders the attaché case, which is filled with $50,000 in cash. Ray asks if Snake has resumed dealing drugs, but he denies the accusation. When Danny searches the apartment, nothing turns up, and the officers cannot make an arrest. Danny goes out on Snake's balcony, and announces to nearby basketball players that Snake's apartment has poor locks, and $50,000 for the taking. Snake realizes he cannot protect his windfall, and punches Ray in the face. Danny and Ray arrest him for assaulting an officer. As they drive Snake to the police station, they discover that the money belongs to Julio Gonzales. They stop at a cemetery so Danny can attend his Aunt Rose's funeral, and he briefly says hello to his former wife Anna (Darlanne Fluegel). Later, at the station, Anna appears and tells Danny she is getting remarried to a dentist. As they talk, a lawyer delivers an envelope with a $40,000 inheritance check from Aunt Rose's estate. With the money, Danny imagines he and Ray will treat themselves to fancy dinners and better seats at Chicago Cubs baseball games. Soon, Captain Logan (Dan Hedaya) informs them that the unidentified man who jumped from a building the other day was actually a South Side police officer, Alan Jackson. He also mentions that Jackson drowned before his body was pushed off the structure, and orders the partners to investigate the crime. At first, Danny and Ray suggest that Snake lead them to Gonzales, but he refuses. However, when he collects his briefcase and money upon being released, Danny and Ray have withheld all but $5,000 of his cash. He can sue the police department, which will take months, so he is forced to cooperate. The partners outfit Snake with an electronic "wire," and watch him take possession of a corrugated box that is filled with Uzi machine guns. They follow him to a shipping vessel as he meets Gonzales. The partners expect to carry out an arrest, but are surrounded and captured by Gonzales's men. However, Gonzales believes Snake has betrayed him and has him killed. Suddenly, two of Gonzales's men, Frank (Steven Bauer) and Tony (Jonathan Gries), announce they are policemen. A gunfight ensues, but Gonzales escapes with a machine gun. As Frank and Tony give chase, they are angry that Danny and Ray have ruined months of undercover work. Gonzales eludes the undercover officers, but Danny and Ray find and arrest him. Later, the captain criticizes the partners for ruining an undercover investigation, and claims they needed to be rescued like a couple of rookies. He orders them to take vacation. Danny and Ray seek out the sunshine of Key West, Florida, where they meet some women, fish, roller skate, and watch the sunset. Danny convinces Ray to quit the force and open a bar. When they return to Chicago, they give the captain 30 days notice of their retirement. However, Capt. Logan announces that Gonzales is back on the street thanks to his lawyer. The partners are eager to apprehend Gonzales and return to work. They get a tip that he may be living with his girl friend at the El Camino apartments. As Ray and Danny drive to the location, they recognize Gonzales's Mercedes. Ray takes a can of red spray paint and creates a no-parking zone around the car, and it is towed. Soon, they have a standoff with four of Gonzales's men. After getting the upper hand, Danny and Ray search the apartment, but Gonzales escapes out the back door. A few floors down, Gonzales grabs a female neighbor, and uses her as a human shield. Gonzales escapes and drives off in their police car. Backup units transport the stranded partners to the station. Capt. Logan warns that the anticipation of retirement is turning them cautious, and caution will likely get them killed. He insists they work together with Frank and Tony to capture Gonzales. A police mechanic transforms Ray and Danny's abandoned cruiser into a yellow taxicab with bulletproof windows. Soon, the four officers are embroiled in a messy stakeout. Tony accidentally shoots Danny but his bulletproof vest saves him. Afterward, Frank and Tony gloat that they have captured one crook, Juan Martinez, while Ray and Danny have none. Danny recognizes Juan, and pulls him aside for further questioning. When Juan gives them an important tip involving Gonzales's upcoming shipment of drugs, they remove his handcuffs. They warn Tony and Frank that Juan is escaping. Meanwhile, the partners go to the airport, hoping to ambush Gonzales, but other officers are already on the scene with drug-sniffing dogs. A dog locates a packet of cocaine believed to be worth $3 million, and Frank and Tony get credit for capturing a suspect. Ray and Danny are irked that the captain is treating them as though their retirement is already in effect. As they leave the runway, a drug agent tells them that further tests reveal the drugs found are of inferior grade, and are likely a decoy. At customs, Gonzales meets with a Colombian priest and nun. When he sees Danny and Ray, he escapes in a limousine, leaving the nun and priest behind. Ray and Danny give the priest and nun a ride, and a chase ensues. Gonzales's limousine drives onto the elevated railroad tracks and the police taxicab barely misses crashing into an oncoming train. The chase continues until Gonzales's limousine stops for another oncoming train. Gonzales jumps out and disappears into the station just as the train upends his limousine. Back at the station, the partners apologize, saying they mistook the priest and nun to be cocaine smugglers for Gonzales. They cannot find drugs inside the ceramic souvenirs in their suitcases, and the nun and priest are released. Ray and Danny soon realize that the ceramic containers themselves are made of pressed cocaine, and tell the captain. Later, the partners harass Juan Martinez to get new information about Gonzales's whereabouts. On their stakeout, Gonzales arranges for a trash compactor truck to destroy their taxicab with them in it after they refuse to return the drugs in exchange for a bribe that would cover a mortgage for their Key West bar. The partners escape through the back window, only to discover that Gonzales is gone. The next day, they retrieve Gonzales's Mercedes from the impound yard, and drive around town looking for him. Anna appears at Danny's apartment to give him an insurance policy she found, and they fight about his inability to act like an adult. Gonzales kidnaps Anna after she leaves the apartment. He warns Danny that he will kill her unless the drugs are returned. Danny and Ray go to the station, where Ray uses a fake requisition form to take the cocaine from the evidence room. Frank and Tony arrive, sensing something is brewing, but Danny and Ray refuse to give them information. As Danny enters the Illinois State Building, Ray sneaks into the basement. He meets Juan Martinez impersonating a security guard. Juan leads Ray to a cage in which all the real guards have been locked up. Ray discovers the only way up is by the window-washing rig. Meanwhile, as Danny rides up in a glass elevator, Anna passes, descending in a second elevator. Danny opens a duffle bag and displays plastic bags of cocaine. Gonzales gives the signal for Anna's elevator to rise until it is level with Danny. Suddenly, Gonzales's associate opens fire on both elevators. Danny orders his wife to drop to the floor. He shoots the associate dead. Ray rappels inside the building's atrium with ropes. He sees Frank and Tony enter the lobby and orders them to get Gonzales. Danny's elevator door opens but Anna's remains shut. He orders her to climb out the top and jump over to his elevator but she is afraid to move. He throws bags of cocaine in the air, and Gonzales is frantic as they burst on the lobby floor. Danny catches Anna and they escape. Ray shoots his way past Gonzales's men and swings onto firm ground. The partners fire away at Gonzales and he goes down. Ray and Danny argue over who fired the fatal shot, but Gonzales pops up again. After another round of shooting, Gonzales collapses dead on a down escalator, and his bloody body lands on the lobby floor. Anna hugs Danny and smothers him with kisses. Danny and Ray agree that the people of Chicago deserve good protection and Frank and Tony could use more seasoning. At this, Danny turns to the rookies and asks if anyone wants to buy his bar.

In Miami, Florida, although he often forgets how to drive, Dibley (Gabe Kaplan), a man with "recurring amnesia," drives his friends, Charlie Swaboda (Alex Karras) and Walter (Robert Klein), to their psychiatric appointments. Swaboda has a "parental fixation" and brings his mother with them, unaware that "Mrs. Swaboda," is invisible to everyone else. Mild-mannered Walter is a schizophrenic with two additional personalities: "Rocky" is a belligerent gangster, and "Kitty" is modeled after actress Bette Davis. As they drive home from the appointment, road construction detours them to an unfamiliar part of town. Dibley runs over an enormous pothole and his car breaks in half. He declares that the city is responsible for damages, since the pothole destroyed his car. Dibley, Swaboda and Walter go to City Hall, looking to get reimbursed $650 for the cost of the car. However, a clerk declares the city is not liable for damages because the men did not file a complaint about the pothole prior to the accident. At home, Dibley tells his girl friend, Carol (Susan Clark), about the incident, but they realize he has no recourse. Later, as they watch a war movie, the film's naval bombardment inspires Dibley. The next morning, he tells Walter and Swaboda that they will take the money the city owes them. The mayor (Arthur Rosenberg) plans to host a luncheon at his home, and Dibley wants to threaten the mayor with a naval bombardment. Carol reluctantly agrees to help, on the proviso that she can call it off if the situation looks too dangerous. Their first step is to get a cannon from the local armory. Only soldiers are allowed inside, so they go to a costume store to obtain National Guard uniforms. Dibley cannot be the point person because he constantly forgets what he is doing, and Swaboda will only go if he can bring his mother, so Walter is chosen. When he walks into the armory, the "Rocky" personality takes over, and claims to be General MacArthur. The flustered assistant ushers Walter into an office, then gets his colonel. However, when Colonel Brogan (Al Kiggins) meets Walter, the "Kitty" personality has taken over, and the plan fails. Later, Dibley and Carol see a flatbed truck hauling a tank. They follow the vehicle to the docks, where several cannons are behind locked gates. When the dock workers break for lunch, Dibley approaches Randall Kendall (Peter Bonerz), the crane operator. Dibley claims to be a top secret government agent and convinces Kendall that the shipping company is committing treason by secretly sending arms to the Soviet Union. Dibley insists he needs a cannon for proof and Kendall offers to help. Next, Carol, Dibley, Walter and Swaboda go to a used car lot to get a vehicle to transport the cannon. Dibley plans to take a Jeep for a long test drive and return it after their mission is complete. They get into a Jeep and drive toward the exit. However, a police car is parked outside, so Dibley re-parks the Jeep on the car lot. A salesman walks over, assumes they just drove in to sell their car, and offers $1,500 in cash. They accept the money and the salesman walks away. Another salesman comes over and offers to sell them the Jeep for $1,500. They give him the cash and drive away. Dibley coordinates with Kendall, who worries about the other dockworkers, so Dibley devises a plan to distract them. The next day, Dibley rents a boat, speeds to the waterfront, and plays loud music to attract attention. He announces that Carol is a stripper and the dockworkers rush to see her undress. Meanwhile, Swaboda and Walter drive the Jeep to the front gates and Kendall's crane lowers the cannon over the fence. As Walter and Swaboda drive away, Carol falls overboard and the dockworkers turn back to work. Back at Dibley's home, Carol is frustrated and wet. She heads inside while the guys go to lunch. At a restaurant, "The Boss" (Alex Rocco) and two of his thugs, Knuckles (John DiSanti) and New Yorker (Bobby Ramsen), discuss their plan to rob an armored car and realize they need a diversion for the police. Dibley, Walter, and Swaboda sit at the table behind the robbers and discuss their plan to load the cannon onto the inter-island ferry, cruise to the mayor's mansion, threaten a naval bombardment, and get their money. As they leave, Dibley realizes that he forgot his shoes. As he crawls under the table to retrieve them, Dibley overhears the Boss say the cops will rush to the mayor's luncheon to stop the "bombardment," and it will be the perfect diversion for the armored car theft. When Dibley tells the others, Carol wants to go to the police. However, Dibley is determined to execute his plan and stop the armored car theft. Dibley insists they have everything under control, including Coast Guard uniforms for the men, and a nun's habit for Carol. Dibley, Walter and Swaboda drive the cannon to the waterfront, commandeer the ferry, and tell the captain that it is quarantined because of possible yellow fever contamination. Dibley insists the mayor wants to personally view the ferry and orders the captain to speed to the mayor's mansion. When the ferry anchors outside the mansion, Dibley aims the cannon and telephones the mayor. The mayor offers half a million dollars, but Dibley only wants the $650 plus expenses, and explains the pothole situation. Sensing a political opportunity, the mayor offers to pay out of his own pocket if Dibley does not tell anyone about the bombardment and lets everyone believe the mayor heard of the situation and stepped forward to solve it. Dibley agrees and tells the mayor to put the money in a bag and hand it to a roller-skating nun at the docks. He informs the ferry boat captain that the mayor determined the ferry is not contaminated and they return to the docks. When the mayor arrives with the money, Carol waves at Dibley, Walter and Swaboda as they speed away. Carol informs the mayor about the armored car heist, and he insists on helping. The Boss and his men detour the armored car to a construction site, and drop a wrecking ball on the vehicle to open it. The Jeep races toward them, so the Boss and his men get in the armored car and drive off. A chase ensues involving the Jeep, the mayor's car, and an additional police vehicle. Dibley eventually pulls in front of the armored car, planning to stop it with the cannon. However, he suddenly forgets how to drive and stops. Walter's "Rocky" personality emerges, grabs a shell, loads the cannon and fires. It misses the truck, but creates a huge pothole that the truck crashes into. Police capture the robbers, and the mayor thanks Dibley and his friends for their help. Later, the four friends are driving in their new car. They approach a huge pothole and the others react, but Dibley smoothly avoids it. He pulls to a stop in front of the hole and claims he is cured. However, instead of driving forward, Dibley reverses into the pothole. As they get out and look at the destroyed car, Dibley insists that this time they will not bother with City Hall, he has a better idea. Dressed in naval uniforms, they plan to commandeer a ship.