Molly Shannon

Four couples in crisis attend a multi-religious Married Love retreat to convince the other to accept their desires. However, the monitors lead them to a different question: what is this thing we call Love?

A restaurant manager finds her dull life taking a romantic turn, when an educational program takes her to Italy for a wild adventure.

While Johnny transforms into a monster, everyone else turns into a human. Can the experiment be reversed?

Count Dracula, his family and his motley group of friends forming the 'Drac Pack' are on a vacation this time around - aboard a luxury cruise ship! It's all great fun and smooth sailing for the monster bunch, until Drac gets smitten by Ericka, the mysterious captain of the ship. What he doesn't know is that Ericka is the descendant of his ancient nemesis Van Helsing, and she is on a secret mission to destroy the monsterkind! With the clock ticking away, it's Mavis' turn to take control of the situation, and save her father and her friends from Ericka's devious schemes.

In 1897, Dracula (Adam Sandler) was taking a train ride with his friends, Frank (Kevin James), Griffin (David Spade), Murray (Keegan-Michael Key), and Wayne (Steve Buscemi), all of them disguised in women's dresses. Suddenly, Abraham Van Helsing (Jim Gaffigan) burst in and announced that there were monsters on the train. He held a match under Frank's nose, making him freak out. All the monsters ran and jumped onto the roof of the train, with Abraham in pursuit. Reaching the last car, Dracula pushed the rest of the monsters off to safety before Abraham cornered him. Dracula turned into a mouse just as the train entered a tunnel, and Abraham got smacked. With the train exiting the tunnel, Dracula turned into a bat and flew off, with Abraham giving chase in a biplane. Dracula kept dodging his attacks, always making him crash in painful ways. Finally, Dracula made Abraham fall into the ocean. In the present day, Dracula is hosting a monster wedding at the Hotel Transylvania. The groom is ready, but the bride is still in her room. Mavis (Selena Gomez) is with her, getting her over the jitters. She tells the bride that you only zing once in your life, and if she zinged when she first saw her fiancee, then she has nothing to worry about. Reassured, she goes down and joins the ceremony. After the wedding vows are done, Tinkles, a giant dog, burst into the room, being ridden by Dennis (Asher Blinkoff) and Winnie (Sadie Sandler). Dracula orders Tinkles to sit, and leads him out on a leash. Later, Johnny (Andy Samberg) is DJing the reception and everyone is dancing, except Dracula, since he has nobody to dance with. Suddenly, Frank's cousin grabs Dracula and starts dancing with him. He zaps the DJ table, causing a fast song to start playing, then hides behind Bigfoot's leg. Frank asks him if he liked her, and he says that he didn't zing with her. Alone in the attic, Dracula tries to use his phone to look for a date, but it keeps mishearing what he wants. Mavis walks past and hears him through the door as he uses the ZINGR app to look at pictures. Unable to swipe correctly with his long fingers, he accidentally connects with a witch when Mavis pokes her head in. He cuts off the call, and Mavis says he's been working too hard. She goes to her room and cuddles with Johnny and the kids, when a commercial comes on the TV, advertising a monster vacation. In a rickety old plane, Dracula, Mavis, Johnny, Frank and Eunice (Fran Drescher), Wayne and Wanda (Molly Shannon) and their pups, Griffin, Blobby (Genndy Tartakovsky) and Vlad (Mel Brooks) are all riding toward the Bermuda Triangle. Dennis and Winnie had secretly stowed Tinkles in the luggage compartment. The plane crash lands and everyone gets out and makes their way to an aircraft carrier. The crew leader, Stan the fish man (Chris Parnell) greets them, and the cruise sets off. Griffin, traveling with his invisible girlfriend, Crystal (Chrissy Teigen), sees Dracula looking unenthusiastic. The ship's captain, Ericka (Kathryn Hahn) greets everyone in multiple languages, and Dracula's face freezes. She walks up to him and tries to talk, but he can only speak gibberish. His friends try to snap him back, and he tells them that when he saw her, he zinged. Later that night, the monsters are dancing, swimming and doing other fun activities. Blobby, feeling seasick, changes colors and vomits, producing a Baby Blobby (Genndy Tartakovsky) who hugs him. Wayne and Wanda see a room labeled Kid's Club, and they happily drop off the pups for the day. In her stateroom, Ericka greets her great-grandfather, Abraham Van Helsing, who is now in a wheelchair. She tells him that he was right, monsters are disgusting, and she wanted to kill Dracula the first time she talked to him. He tells her to be patient, and doing research, he read about the ultimate device, one that destroyed the city of Atlantis. He tells her to lure them all to Atlantis, and he'll use the machine to kill them all. Still determined to kill Dracula, Ericka hides and takes many shots at him, but he always manages to just avoid her blows, not even realizing what's happening. Meeting his friends, he tells them that he always thought you could only zing once in your life, and he already had with his late wife, Martha. They all jump in the pool and start a game of volleyball when Ericka's voice comes on the speakers and tells them they've arrived at their first destination, the underwater volcano. They all grab scuba gear and jump into the volcano. Ericka fills a vessel with wooden stakes and chases after the group. Dracula hypnotizes a shark, and he and Dennis ride it around, with Ericka still secretly following. She tries to shoot wooden harpoons at him, but keeps just missing. Seeing the vessel, Dracula grabs the tail end and poses for a picture from Mavis. Panicked, Ericka launches herself out. Looking at the picture, Mavis sees what looks like human feet in the corner. Reaching the surface, Ericka sputters and gets back on the ship. Frank, Murray and Griffin are also on board getting snacks, when they hear Ericka muttering. Keeping themselves hidden, they hear her vow that she's going to get Dracula. Misunderstanding her, they think she's in love with him too. With everyone back on the ship, the guys run up to Dracula, and then see that Mavis is with him. Fearing her reaction to hearing about Ericka, they lead him away, and then tell him that Ericka likes him. Just then, Ericka walks up and listens in as they ask if he's going to ask her out. At first, she's disgusted, but then she realizes she has an opportunity. Pretending she just walked up, she greets him and says she'd love to go on a date. Arriving at the next destination, the deserted island, Dracula volunteers to take Dennis, so that Johnny and Mavis can enjoy themselves. At a restaurant, Mavis asks Johnny if he noticed Dracula's been acting weird, and he tells her that Dracula has a crush on the captain. Taken by surprise, Mavis says that she never imagined him with anyone except her mom, but she does want him to be happy. In the cantina, Ericka orders guacamole for Dracula, then secretly dumps garlic oil on it. She takes a chip, dunks it in the guacamole and feeds it to him. He swallows, and then his stomach starts to rumble. He asks if there was garlic in the food, and she lies and says she doesn't know. She asks if that's deadly for him, but he says that it only makes him gassy. He tells her he's nervous, since he hasn't been on a date since his wife died. He explains that he built the hotel so that he and Mavis could have a safe place to live. Touched by his obvious love for his daughter, she replies that she never knew her mother or father, and she was raised by her great-grandfather. Growing up on the ship, she tells him that it was always expected that she'd be captain one day. He says it's important to honor the past, but to make your own future. Thinking about that, she realizes that she doesn't want to be on the ship forever. Mavis and Johnny walk up to the table. Panicked, Ericka realizes she lost focus on her mission, and she quickly excuses herself. Mavis reminds Dracula that he was going to spend time with Dennis, and he hurries off to find him. Sitting down at the table, Mavis tells Johnny there's something she doesn't trust about Ericka. Johnny eats a chip with guacamole, then warns Mavis that it's loaded with garlic. Mavis realizes what Ericka is up to. Wayne and Wanda, still relieved to be pup-free, are running around the deck. Ericka hides from them, and is surprised to hear Abraham's voice coming from a vent. He tells her he knows she's been trying to kill Dracula, and that it could blow the whole plan. Making another lap, Wayne and Wanda run up to them, and Abraham quickly puts tranquilizer darts in their necks, and they fall to the ground, unconscious. Arriving at Atlantis, they all go into a casino. Eunice makes Frank promise not to gamble, since the last time he did, he lost an arm and a leg. Dracula asks the guys if they've seen Mavis, and he tells them that he's going to tell her about Ericka. Mavis and Johnny see Dracula on the floor, and she notices that he's following Ericka around. Suspicious, she tails after them, and Ericka goes into a hidden room. Arriving at a pool, she takes off her clothes, revealing a wet suit she was wearing underneath, and dives in. Dracula follows her, unseen, and she emerges at the ruins of a palace. At the end of a hallway is a strange glowing device, and she makes her way to it. She steps on a stone and sets off a booby trap, sending an ax flying toward her head. Dracula quickly grabs the ax and tosses it aside. She realizes that he's been following her, and he saved her life without thinking. She starts to think that everything she was told about monsters was wrong. He asks her what she's doing, and she lies and says that the device is an old family heirloom, and she wants to get it back. Taking another step, she sets off a second booby trap, and Dracula grabs another ax out of the air. Testing him, she skips forward, setting off all the traps, with him saving her every time. He ends up with axes, darts and arrows embedded all over his body. She grabs the device, causing the room to shake and crumble, and he flies her out just before she gets crushed. Mavis catches up to them, and sees Dracula looking like a pincushion from the traps. Her eyes turn angry, and she levitates Ericka up. Dracula tells her to stop, then says that when he first saw her, he zinged. Stunned, Mavis drops Ericka, and she asks what a zing is. Dracula explains that it's a love at first sight for monsters. Feeling guilty, Ericka tells him that she can never be with a monster, and she runs off. Mavis hugs Dracula, and he sulks away. Back on the ship, Murray shows off the tattoo he got last night, and Griffin and Crystal walk up, with her wearing a wedding ring on her invisible finger. Frank and Eunice arrive, and he has no arms, having lost them gambling. In her room, Ericka shows the device to Abraham, and then tells him that Dracula saved her life. She says the way he acted with Mavis was almost human, and he replies that monsters have no feelings, and they must fulfill the mission. The next day, Frank has replaced his arms with lobster claws from the seafood buffet. At a dance party, Mavis is still trying to process the fact that Dracula zinged with Ericka, and Johnny tells her that love makes them do crazy things. He reminds her that they were different species, but when they zinged, nothing could keep them apart. Realizing that Johnny was right, she runs up to talk to Dracula. She tells him that he has to tell Ericka how he feels, and he starts off to find her. Just then, the music stops, and Abraham's face comes on the monitors. He says he knows that Dracula recognizes him, and he holds up the device. Dracula says that it's just Ericka's heirloom, but Abraham reveals that Ericka retrieved it because she's his great-granddaughter. He shows them that it's a canister with sheet music. He plays the music on a piano, stirring a creature known as the Kraken. With the Kraken swatting at the guests, Dracula flies toward Abraham, but is caught by the Kraken in midair. He tries to free himself by changing forms, but the Kraken maintains its grip. Ericka looks at him sadly. Trapped and growing weaker, Dracula submits to defeat. Mavis tries to save him, but the Kraken pins her down, and throws Dracula into the air toward his mouth. At the last second, Ericka jumps and bounces off Blobby, and she grabs Dracula out of the air. They land in water at the edge of the dance floor, and she holds him up and tells Abraham that he can't kill Dracula. She says monsters have families, and laugh and love just like people. She says she knows it because when she first saw Dracula, she zinged. With renewed determination, Dracula starts to fight back against the Kraken. Johnny stops him and tells him that the only way to fight the ominous music that Abraham is playing is with happy music. He sets up his DJ equipment and plays "Good Vibrations." The Kraken starts to sway to the beat, until Abraham makes his music louder, causing the Kraken to resume the attack. Finding an even brighter song, Johnny plays "Don't Worry, Be Happy," and the Kraken starts swaying again. Abraham makes his music louder still, and Johnny realizes he needs the ultimate musical weapon, and starts playing "The Macarena." Soon, both the Kraken and Abraham are moving their arms to the music, unable to control themselves. Abraham falls off the DJ booth and toward the water, and Dracula turns into a bat and flies up to him, grabbing him before he hits. Dracula returns Abraham to the dance floor, and he asks why he had saved him. Dracula says that human or monster, we are all the same. Ericka runs up and hugs him, and Abraham sheepishly offers them all a full refund for the cruise. The wolf pups stampede around the deck, and everyone realizes they haven't seen Wayne and Wanda in a long time. Ericka takes them to the closet where she had hidden them, and Dracula zaps them back to life. Back at the hotel, Dracula and Ericka sneak up to the roof, and she asks if he's going to suck her blood. He responds by getting down on one knee and opening a box with a spider-shaped ring with a red jewel. The ring claws its way onto her finger, and she tries to answer, but can only speak gibberish. Everyone else shows up and asks what her answer was. Recovering, she says yes, and everyone cheers. Tinkles happily runs in and tackles them both. A happy new chapter had begun at the Hotel Transylvania.

A matriarch of a dysfunctional family is pushed to her tipping point by the disappearance of her son.

Ah Fat, a lonely man arrives in a strange country, escaping from his past and seeking salvation. Living in a constant state of psychological turmoil, redemption was never quite in reach. Making friends with Miumiu, a coworker who is a gogo girl and a male gigolo Pumpkin turns Ah Fat's life around; he finds a strange, unique sort of happiness in friendship that had evaded him for a long time. Then comes a turn of events that changes everything; Ah Fat will have to choose between saving his friends by killing the evil shop owner,and standing idly by. This is the final straw; Ah Fat is pushed to the brink, all hell breaks loose. —KAM

When the old-old-old-fashioned vampire Vlad arrives at the hotel for an impromptu family get-together, Hotel Transylvania is in for a collision of supernatural old-school and modern day cool.

Welcome to the Hotel Transylvania, Draculas (Adam Sandler) lavish five-stake resort where monsters and their families can live it up, are free to be the monsters they are without humans to bother them. On one special weekend, Dracula has invited some of the worlds most famous monsters Frankenstein and his bride, the Mummy, the Invisible Man, a family of werewolves, and more to celebrate his daughter Maviss 118th birthday. For Drac, catering to all of these legendary monsters is no problem but his world could come crashing down when one ordinary guy stumbles on the hotel and takes a shine to Mavis.

A secretary's life changes in unexpected ways after her dog dies. Peggy (Molly Shannon) is single, childless, in her forties, a lonely executive assistant in a friendly office. Her dog Pencil is the love of her life, and when he dies after eating some sort of toxin, Peggy's life spins out of her control: a friendly neighbor invites her for dinner; a friendly staff member at her vet's calls with an abused dog he recommends she adopt - she does, and also finds herself attracted to this fellow. She becomes a vegan, supports animal-rights causes, and embroils her brother's young children in these concerns. Saving dogs and other animals become such a passion that her mental health and her job may be in danger. Are regaining control and finding love beyond her reach? —<jhailey@hotmail.com>

Ricky Bobby (Will Ferrell) was born to go fast, and is raised solely by his strict Christian mother, Lucy (Jane Lynch), while his drunk and alcoholic father, Reese (Gary Cole), is absent. When Ricky was only ten years old, Reese shows up during Career Day at Ricky's school, but after giving his vulgar speech, Reese was thrown out of the school. Before leaving, Reese told Ricky: "If you ain't first, you're last!", a quote that Ricky commits to memory. Fifteen years later, while working on the pit crew of Dennit Racing driver Terry Cheveaux (Adam McKay), Ricky replaces him and ends up finishing in third place, despite starting mid-race in last place. Ricky quickly soars to the top of NASCAR, achieving fame and fortune at Dennit Racing and meeting his future wife, Carly (Leslie Bibb). Ricky eventually manages to allow Dennit to field an additional car to the field and arranges to have his best friend, Cal Naughton, Jr. (John C. Reilly) on his team. While on top of the racing world, Ricky is challenged by his rival and French Formula One driver, Jean Girard (Sacha Baron Cohen), who outperforms Ricky on the track and becomes Dennit Racing's next top driver. Ricky, desperate to regain his dominance, pushes himself too hard during the race at Charlotte Motor Speedway and ends up going airborne and his car lands upside down. While paramedics attempt to take Ricky to the hospital, Ricky ends up running around on the track in his helmet and underwear to think that he is on fire. While recovering from his injury, Ricky persists in the belief that he is paralyzed, which he certainly is not, a fact that Ricky only realizes after accidentally sticking a knife in his leg while trying to prove that he is paralyzed. Ricky's tests at Rockingham Speedway shows that he has lost his touch and fails to regain a spot on his team. Carly, yearning to be married to a top NASCAR driver, plans to marry Cal before Ricky returns home that night. Cal invites Ricky to his wedding to Carly, but his invitation is immediately refused by Ricky, who becomes angry and disappointed at Cal for ruining his life. Ricky takes his two sons, Walker and Texas Ranger (Houston Tumlin and Grayson Russell) home and takes his job as a pizza delivery boy, but is reduced to use a bicycle and riding the bus after losing his license for crashing his truck into a customer's shopping cart and into the Sheriff writing him a ticket for the previous incident. With Ricky's life at its lowest point, Reese suddenly re-enters Ricky's life and attempt to teach Ricky to drive by using the fear he experienced throughout his life, using unusual methods to get Ricky back to his normal speed. With his retraining and guidance of Reese, Ricky finally regains his confidence, but is unexpectedly taken back a few steps after Reese leaves him once again. Reese leaves Ricky with the knowledge that the quote based on Ricky's entire life around him was due in part to Reese's alcoholism. When Ricky runs into his assistant, Susan (Amy Adams) at a bar, she convinces Ricky to return to NASCAR not because of his desire to live up to the expectations of those around him, but because of his nature to drive fast. While Ricky heeding Susan's advice to race at the AMP Energy 500, he and Susan fall in love with each other. Ricky eventually manages to make small amends with Cal and Girard before the start of the race. Because the pit crew has rebuilt his engine from spare parts donated by other independent drivers, Ricky is forced to start the race from the back of the starting grid. In no time, Ricky manages to pass all the drivers except Girard. Heading towards the final laps, Cal receives orders from Dennit to get Ricky out of the race, but Cal refuses and instead pulls ahead of Ricky, allowing Ricky to slingshot Cal and ends up in the lead along with Girard. On lap 182, the replacement driver of Ricky's original car runs into Cal from Dennit's orders, causing a massive wreck that collects every driver except Ricky and Girard. On the final lap, Ricky and Girard unexpectedly make contact and somersault down the front straightaway heading towards the finish line. Determined not to give up, Ricky and Girard sprint their foot to the finish line. Although Ricky wins the foot race, he and Girard are disqualified for getting out of their cars, and Cal wins the race by default, having been in third place by the time of the wrecks. Ricky and Cal finally repair their friendship and family. Ricky, Lucy, Susan, and Walker and Texas Ranger later meet together with Reese in the parking lot to reunite for a dinner party during which they plan to get thrown out of Applebee's at the end of the film, referring to the earlier scene where Reese and Ricky leave each other again.

Calvin (Marlon Wayans) has just been released from prison. They open the door of the prison to reveal him to be a midget. His accomplice, wannabe rapper Percy (Tracy Morgan), picks up Calvin and tells him they need to get a diamond from a local jewelry store, which will pay each of them 50,000 dollars. Percy (P-Unit) says he needs it to start his record studio. Meanwhile, at a swank restaurant, Darryl (Shawn Wayans) is talking to his friend Jimmy (David Alan Grier), telling him to come out when the time is right. Soon Vanessa (Kerry Washington) arrives and tells Darryl she has news. Right before she says it all, Darryl's friend pops out playing "Gonna Have My Baby". She says that she actually got a promotion, and he pops out singing "Celebration" before shouting out, "REMIX!" Eventually he is shooed by Darryl, and it is revealed she doesn't want a baby like Darryl does. Eventually, Calvin and Percy reach the jewelry store, where the diamond is located. They go inside the store, with Calvin in a duffel bag. Percy puts down the bag and begins to talk to a worker, who, after Percy tells her he is a rapper, begins acting "gangsta" to get his business. Meanwhile, Calvin goes under the table holding the diamond and removes the diamond by sawing a circle under the table and removing it. Calvin then gets back in the bag and crawls back to where Percy dropped him. Also, a dog gets in the bag with Calvin not knowing. When Percy picks up the bag, an old lady notices her dog is missing and alerts security, leading to the diamond's disappearance being noticed. Percy runs out with the bag and they get in the car. As they take off, they only drive around in circles, as a boot got put on their car. They then get out and run on foot as two police men chase them. They hide in a store while police find another black guy and begin beating him. Meanwhile, Calvin hides the diamond in a lady's purse to get rid of the evidence. Calvin and Percy meet up after police leave, believing they lost their man. They decide to follow the couple home. When they reach their home, they discover that Darryl wants a baby. This leads to the idea to disguise Calvin as a baby and get the diamond back. Percy rings the bell and hides in the bushes. Darryl and Vanessa answer the door, finding the "baby" and a note from Percy asking them to take care for his baby because he could not. After an attempt to call child services, they discover they can't bring him in, as they're closed. When they change his diaper, they are in shock. Vanessa's father (John Witherspoon) lives with them. He's the only one who doesn't trust the baby. After Calvin coughs horribly, they decide to take him to the doctors. At the doctors, they discover a scar from a knife fight or appendix removal, as well as a tattoo, which they blame on bad parenting. After the checkup, Calvin steals the purse with the diamond in it while Darryl and Vanessa try to figure out what they have to do with the baby. Darryl wants to keep him while Vanessa wants to get rid of him. Calvin, meanwhile, runs into a police officer outside the room, who treats him like a baby. Before he can check the purse, Vanessa finds him and grabs the purse. Right when she is about to turn Calvin over, he calls her "Mama", leading to her keeping him for the weekend. After bringing him home, they decide to invite their friends to meet the baby and loan them baby stuff for the weekend. During the weekend, Calvin has to suffer several unpleasant humiliations, such as bath time. He believes Vanessa will be joining him in the bath, only for it to be Darryl. Darryl strips naked, jumps in the bath and Vanessa leaves them. It is here that Darryl decides to relieve himself of a large build up of flatulence and breaks wind several times in the bath. Calvin is forced to suffer all through bath time, as Darryl's flatulence is incessant and he breaks wind powerfully and without hesitation. Cut to Percy going into a shady bar run by mafia kingpin Walken (Chazz Palminteri) who offered to pay them for the diamond. He threatens Percy, telling him he had 24 hours before his goons would get involved. Back at the home, Darryl and Vanessa's friends arrive. They include Greg (Lochlyn Munro), Brittany (Brittany Daniel), Richard (Fred Stoller) and Janet (Alex Borstein). They take turns trying to describe the ugly baby, such as "National Geographic Beauty". Brittany and Janet go into the kitchen with Calvin. Calvin pulls himself onto Brittany, who suggests breast feeding after he tugs at her breasts a few times. He says yes, expecting her to do it, but is sadly mistaken when Janet offers to do it. Calvin bites her and runs away. Soon we see their friends leave, with Brittany stopping to give Calvin a kiss, leading to him frenching her. After all their friends leave, Vanessa and Darryl put Calvin to bed. Calvin decides to stay up and wait to take the diamond and leave, but is incapable of fighting off the lullaby, and falls asleep. He wakes up later that night and goes downstairs to call Percy and get the diamond. While on the phone, though, Pops comes in, shotgun in hand. He starts threatening Calvin before Darryl comes in. Darryl takes Calvin away, not believing Pops, and warms up some milk for him. He then sits Calvin down and begins an emotional speech about wanting to be a father. Vanessa watches as he talks, and finally laughs as Darryl and Calvin drink their milk. When asked why, she reveals the milk to be Janet's breast milk. This causes both of them to spit it out. Darryl and Vanessa begin getting romantic as Calvin watches in his crib. The next morning, Vanessa wakes up as Darryl comes in. She looks happy, saying she can't remember the last time they did it twice in one night. He looks puzzled as Calvin comes up from under the blanket. Vanessa makes a nice breakfast for Pops and Darryl. Pops comes down while Calvin is watching a kids show. She gives Pops his breakfast while he turns the TV to the news. Right before they show a photo of Calvin, the suspect of the diamond heist, he repeatedly cries out D-Rex, leading Vanessa to change it back. Pops begins to read the paper as Calvin eyes his breakfast. Soon he jumps over and grabs his food, one item at a time. Eventually Pops realizes his food is gone and blames Calvin. Vanessa brushes him off as he leaves for a diner. Darryl comes down stairs and grabs his breakfast as Vanessa leaves for work. He begins to feed Calvin who hides his face, prompting a game of peek-a-boo. Soon Calvin gets tired of it and smacks him over the head with a frying pan. As Calvin drags Darryl's body, he grabs the diamond out of her purse. Vanessa comes back in as she forgot her purse and wakes up Darryl from his unconsciousness. She scolds him for sleeping, and he looks puzzled. Calvin hides the diamond in a diaper bag while Vanessa leaves. Darryl and Calvin go to the park and play multiple games, each one resulting with Darryl getting hit between the legs. Eventually Darryl and his friends go for ice cream, leaving Calvin with Brittany and Janet. Percy shows up as Calvin tries to find the right diaper bag. He grabs one as the moms find him, thinking he was trying to kidnap Calvin. They chase Percy down as he tries to run off with the bag. He gets beaten before getting away. Darryl arrives and hears the news, deciding to take Calvin home. As they load the car, Calvin begs for keys. He keeps on whining and kicking Darryl in the shin until he gives Calvin the keys. Calvin gets in the car and takes off, leading Darryl to believe someone stole the car. He stops the mini van driver (Molly Shannon) and begs her to chase down the car. She does and drives like a mad man as she tracks down the car. After a lengthy chase, the car is stopped, and the police open the car to reveal Calvin crying in the backseat. The police are convinced the car jacker got away. Calvin is tied up and Darryl debates going to a hockey game. They decide to go to the game with Calvin. At the game, Calvin takes the diamond and swallows it to hide it from Darryl. He then grabs a beer from the man next to him and drinks it to keep it down. The drink lady comes down and asks if he wants some more, and he gets some, as do Darryl and his two friends. Calvin makes a crude comment ("nice ass!") as the lady passes Darryl and she believes it was him, calling him a pig. Calvin calls her a tramp, and she pours a beer on Darryl. Calvin drinks the beer again, leading him(the guy to Calvins left) to believe Darryl did it. Soon a cheap check costs a visiting team's player a trip to the box as fans boo him. He then challenges all of them, and Calvin throws a beer at the man. The player, thinking it was Darryl, comes into the stands and Calvin climbs up on top of the player and attacks him. The man then throws Calvin to the ground and stomps on him. We see a bruised Calvin in bed as Darryl talks about not being a good father. Then he decides to throw Calvin a birthday party. Percy brings the diaper bag to Walken, who opens it to reveal nothing but dirty diapers and other baby items. He is then told by the Walken that he'll give him more time, but he better deliver. After Percy leaves, the boss tells his men that he suspects betrayal by Percy's partner, and to follow Percy. At the birthday party, Calvin picks a fight with D-Rex (Rob Schneider), by calling him a loser in a blue dinosaur suit who has no money. Then that leads to Calvin running behind D-Rex,ripping his tail wide open,crawling up into his suit, and beating him up from the inside! Eventually Darryl gets Calvin away from the dead D-Rex to play football with the other boys and their dads. At the start, the other team, led by Greg who stiff arms the children, are winning. Soon though, Calvin and another kid decide to kick it up a notch and use brutal force to take down the other team, leading them to victory. After Greg gets hit between the legs by Calvin making a touchdown, his son walks up to him(Greg),says "Dad,you suck!,"and kicks him in the head. Meanwhile, Darryl answers a knock at the door where Percy says he is Calvin's father here to get him. Darryl beats him up, which the mob goons see, leading them to believe Darryl was Percy's partner, and he took the diamond for himself. Meanwhile, Pops watches the news at a diner and sees Calvin as the prime suspect in the diamond heist. He decides to stop him. Back at the party, Calvin is given a cake and begins to cry, as he never had a birthday or parents. Pops shows up with a teddy bear, saying he was wrong about Calvin. Calvin goes inside where he sees Janet give her son Castor Oil. Calvin decides to drink it and poop out the diamond. He drinks it and goes as Vanessa and Darryl watch. Darryl leaves Vanessa to change his diaper, where she finds the diamond, thinking it to be a diamond for her ring, which had none. She decides to take him out to dinner, leaving Pops and Calvin alone. It is now that Calvin reveals to Pops that he is a criminal. He then beats up Pops and calls Percy, telling him to show up in an hour. At the restaurant, Darryl tries to tell Vanessa that he didn't get that for her, but he stops when she says she wants to adopt Calvin. Afterwards, Vanessa and Darryl come home to find Pops strangling Calvin. Vanessa then calls the retirement home, who come to take away Pops. He shouts "The teddy bear knows!" Before being taken away. Vanessa puts Calvin in bed as she cries and goes in the bathroom. Darryl remembers the bear comment and finds the bear, revealing it to be a camera. He hooks it up to the TV, and watches as Calvin reveals himself not to be a baby to Pops on screen. He runs upstairs to tell Vanessa, both of whom discover Calvin to be missing as is the diamond. Percy, while driving with Calvin, tells his partner that Walken thinks Darryl betrayed Percy and he has the diamond, so they are free to keep the diamond. Calvin realizes Darryl and Vanessa are in danger and he needs to go back. He does and finds Darryl, where the two confront each other about him lying about being a baby. Calvin apologizes, and before it can go any farther, the Walken and his two goons bust in. They threaten to hurt Calvin and Darryl. Eventually, Calvin knocks out the goons while the boss threatens Darryl while still maintaining his baby disguise. Calvin comes in and throws a plane that hits the boss below the waist. The police come in and arrest the mob boss and his goons. Calvin returns the diamond to the police and they tell Darryl he will receive a 100,000 dollar reward. After the police leave, Darryl and Calvin have a tearful goodbye, where Calvin reveals he liked being their kid. Darryl follows Calvin outside and they decide to go to a bar. During the credits, though, Pops and Calvin are looking at Vanessa and Janet's baby. Calvin remarks that the baby looks just like his father.

Tom Stansfield (Ashton Kutcher) is a researcher at a publishing company who works under the tyrannical Jack Taylor (Terence Stamp). Tom wants to be in creative, but Jack doesn't know anything about Tom's skills. Paul (Jon Abrahams) is Tom's only friend at work. Tom has a reputation for being calm and composed all the time. Nobody has ever seen him angry. Jack calls Tom for a meeting and ends up firing his secretary Audrey, when Tom makes a comment about the coffee. Jack calls Audrey into his office, calls her retarded and fires her after Tom says something about a company being only as strong as its weakest link. Now Tom was only making polite conversations, but Jack makes it look to Audrey that Tom is responsible for her termination of employment. Tom has a crush on his boss' daughter, Lisa Taylor (Tara Reid), who is completely controlled by her overprotective father. She reveals to Tom that her father is making her house-sit for his bird on the same night as a party she wants to attend, but Tom convinces her to stand up to her father and attend the party anyway. Jack is going out of town for a few days on business. Lisa asks him to come to their house that night, leading Tom to think that she has invited him to the party; in reality, she just wants him to fill in for her - he reluctantly agrees. By the time Tom arrives, Lisa has already left, and he meets Jack. Jack gives Tom instructions on how to take care of his pet Owl OJ. It has to be given water, its medications (one of which is inserted into its rectum). Tom has to wear protective covers over his shoes all the time. A comedy of errors ensues, including the return of Lisa's older brother, Red (Andy Richter), on the run from drug dealers. He enters the house on the pretext of looking for an extra copy of the TV guide. Red dumps drugs into the toilet, and instead returns a bag of flour to the drug dealer via Tom. One of Tom's tasks is to guard their owl, O-J, which lives in an open cage (it has not been able to fly due to a deep depression, from the loss of a prior mate). When the bird drinks from the toilet polluted with drugs, it flies away. Tom goes looking for the owl and runs into Old man neighbor (Patrick Crenshaw) who believes that Tom is on his property to ogle at his young wife Sheryl (Angela Little). Tom disarms the old man, who offers to give Tom the piece of Evander Holyfield's ear that Mike Tyson bit off during the boxing match. Jack Taylor's ex-secretary Audrey (Molly Shannon) goes to the house to try to earn her job back. After fighting with her boyfriend Spike (Tyler Labine) who was in the car waiting for her, she stays over at the house. Meanwhile, nobody is wearing shoe covers in the house. Audrey opens a beer using the kitchen counter as leverage and ends up damaging it. Audrey invites her friends to look for the owl including Tina (Carmen Electra) and Speed (David Koechner). Audrey's friends proceed to rob the house of all the silverware. Lisa returns home after finding out that her boyfriend Hans (Kenan Thompson) is cheating on her. Tom hides from her everything that happened, and she spends some time with him thinking he is homosexual. Lisa had earlier seen a gay magazine in Tom's briefcase, but she didn't know that it was not Tom's briefcase. He found it on the subway. He clarifies to her that he's a heterosexual and she starts to like him. Lisa tells Tom that there is a restraining order against Red and he is not allowed within 100 yards of the house. Hans comes by and wants to apologize to Lisa. Hans admits to having cheated on Lisa. Tom tells Hans to move on from Lisa. Tom finds OJ flying outside the house and follows it to a nearby house. Tom is let in by Ken (Jeffrey Tambor), who was waiting for a guy named Albert, who is supposed to be a blind date for his daughter Julie. Julie has recently been in an accident, and very conscious about her looks. When Julie comes down, she is looking hideous, and Tom clarifies that he is not Albert. Of course, Ken believes that Albert is acting that way as Julie is not pretty enough for him and throws him out of the house. Audrey's friend Tina thinks she has breast cancer and asks Tom to feel her breasts. Lisa walks in on them and is disgusted by the situation. T.J. (Michael Madsen), the drug dealer, finds out about the fake drugs and threatens to kill Tom if he doesn't return him his money $20,000. T.J. tries to open a safe and steal the money. However, Tom gives him sleeping pills mixed with alcohol which sends him into a coma. Julie comes by the house and tells Tom that he was telling the truth since Albert came by her place a little later. Julie was bleeding from the back of her, and proceeds to smear everything with blood, wherever she rested her head. Red is attracted to Julie. Because they think T.J. is dead, Audrey and her friends bury him. Later, T.J. escapes from the grave and threatens to kill Lisa. With Red's help, Tom rescues Lisa and she falls in love with him. He then goes to get her father, but on the way back the owl gets into the car making Tom lose control of the car and crash into the house. They find police officers in the house looking for T.J., who ends up getting arrested. Tom believed that it was Jack dealing drugs out of his house and reports him to the police. But then Red says that he is the one who was dealing in drugs, and that his full name if Jack Taylor Jr. TJ was at the house looking for Red, and Red simply used Tom to avoid TJ. Jack Taylor is enraged by the damages done to the house and throws Tom out. Jack orders that Lisa will accompany him to Thailand. The next day, Jack Taylor hears his son Red explaining to Lisa how she should stand up to their father and goes back to Tom. Jack realizes his mistakes and gives Tom a promotion to handle the creative department at the office. Hans goes with Jack to Thailand. Hans turned around the company's factory in Thailand. Audrey found a job at a coffee shop. Lisa restructured the entire company from top to bottom. OJ now drinks only beer.

Mary Kathering Ghallagher (Molly Shannon) wants one thing in life, a kiss. Not just any kiss mind you. She wants a Hollywood fireworks type kiss. The only way that she can get what she wants is to become like all those people she saw on T.V. She had to become a SUPERSTAR! Sky Corrigan (Will Ferrell) is her passion and she will do anything to get his lips. Then the perfect opportunity arises. Catholic Teen Magazine is sponsoring the talents show and the prize is the chance to become an extra in a movie with positive moral values. This doesn't go along without a few comical obstacles along the way. This comical parody of a Catholic teen girl's life is sure to evoke laughter from the whole family. Will Mary's dreams come true? Does she have what it takes to become the next big thing a SUPERSTAR!?