Phil Hartman

Joe MacTeague [Kirk Douglas] is a rich old man but he wants to know which of his relatives really cares about him.His nephews and niece Carl [Ed Begley jr],Frank [Phil Hartman],Glen [Jere Burns] and Patti [Colleen Camp] visit him time and again at his mansion to please,amuse and generally suck up to him,even trying to outdo each other to try and win favour with him for his fortune. One day,they discover Joe has hired a beautiful english woman called Molly [Olivia D,Abo] to serve him as a private nurse and after witnessing how close the two of them seem, the family start to worry about her intentions for their Uncle's money.They hire a private detective to find more out about her and soon realise that they can't possibly compete with what Molly can offer Joe.Desperate not to give up,they decide to track down Danny [Michael J.Fox] now a grown up bowler,who was forced to leave the family years earlier with his father,after an heated argument with Joe.But the family remember how fond of Danny jr,Joe was. Danny has had to give up his bowling career after injuring his wrist,but has decided to invest in a bowling centre with a couple of friends.He tells his girlfriend Robin [Nancy Travis] that it's going to cost $300,000 dollars,but he soon realises he could be in luck when the detective tracks him down, and tells him about his family's invitation to Joe's.Danny asks him for a loan,but Joe tells him he will only lend him the money if he chooses him over his dad.Danny refuses. Later,Joe apologizes for suggesting something like that,but tells him it was because he was testing him to see if he was like his relatives.Danny soon realises that Joe is becoming ill and starts to worry when Joe tells him he plans on giving his money to Molly.Danny moves in with him to try and prevent that from happening.And it works.But his relatives are angry that he doesn't plan on sharing any money with them after deciding that they're scumbags and Molly is angry that he's taking Joe's money while he's still alive. Desperate for none of the Macteague's to get their inheritance,Molly decides to finally do what she said she never would - have sex with the old man.But just as she is about to go through with it,they are interrupted by Danny's father,who is disgusted that nothing has changed in the household since he left.Danny gets into a huge argument with him and ends up choosing Uncle Joe over his dad.Molly decides to leave after she realises how low she nearly sunk,and that deep down she was only ever really there for the money.Robin tries to comfort Danny about the situation with his dad,but he tells her that it wasn't really his dad.It was in fact an actor that he'd hired,in order to make out to his uncle that he loved him more than his dad.Robin is disgusted and leaves. At Joe's attorney's office,Danny is waiting with Joe ready to gain all of his money and posessions,but they are interrupted by the rest of the family who have brought along Danny's real father.Feeling ashamed that his dad knows all about his schemes,Danny admits that he's become just as greedy as the rest of them.But he and the family soon find out that not only is Joe broke,he's also $93,000 dollars in debt.A fight breaks out between the family and everyone is told to leave,but not before Danny tells Joe how much he hates him.But when Danny goes back to Robin,she reminds him how much he does actually care about his uncle. The two of them let the ill and homeless Joe stay with them in their apartment,but Joe has a surprise for them when they look out the window and see his butler across the street with Molly.He's not really broke."I'm richer than shit".He tells them that they've proved their love for him and they can stay with him at his mansion and co - own everything of his.And his final surprise for them - he gets up out of his wheelchair and walks out.

A guy makes a documentary of the rap band CB4 by following them. CB4 got popular by stealing Gusto's name, background and image. He wants them dead. A "rapumentary", covering the rise to fame of MC Gusto, Stab Master Arson, and Dead Mike: members of the rap group "CB4". We soon learn that these three are not what they seem and don't apear to know as much about rap music as they claim... but a lack of musical ability in an artist never hurts sales, does it? You've just got to play the part of a rap star... —Murray Chapman <muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au> Albert Brown and his buddies Rip and Otis are aspiring rappers who have tried every gimmick to break into the music business. Eventually, Albert and the boys decide to go into gangster rap, with Albert assuming the identity of M.C. Gusto (a local crime lord who is serving time in prison). Eventually, Gusto finds out about the boys scheme and seeks revenge as well as a share of the profits. —Brian Washington <Sargebri@att.net>

Aliens with conical crania crash-land on Earth. An alien couple known as Beldar and Prymatt with cone-shaped heads from the planet called Remulak is mistakenly ditched on earth, during a scouting mission for planet conquest. While here, they dodge the INS, have a child and discover that life on Earth is quite good. But unfortunately they are being chased by the government who knows something is not quite right with the Conehead family. After they are rescued and taken back to their planet, Beldar vows to return to earth and conquer it. —Anthony Pereyra {hypersonic91@yahoo.com} An alien couple with cone-shaped heads from the planet "Remulak" is mistakingly ditched on earth. While waiting to be recalled to their mother planet, they start a family and have a little daughter. They try to adapt to earth customs by living in middle-class suburbia. Meanwhile, their daughter grows up to be a teenager who has difficulties fitting in with her peers or accepting the fact that at some point, she has to return to "Remulak" with the rest of the family. —Cedrus

Charlie McKenzie (Mike Myers) is a beat poet living in San Francisco, after having broken up with yet another girl based on paranoid perception. His policeman friend Tony tries to point out the pattern; that Charlie simply is afraid of commitment and tries to think of, or invent, any reason to break up with someone. Things pick up again when Charlie meets a butcher named Harriet and becomes infatuated instantly. After a while of driving near her workplace, he goes in and volunteers to help her out that day, and eventually a date ensues that evening, with him learning various factoids about her. He learns she used to live in Atlantic City, used to be involved with a trainer for Russian martial arts, and screams at someone named Ralph in her sleep. The next day she is gone when he awakes, but her sister Rose, whom she lives with, is there and tries to get to know him a bit. She then kindly warns him to be careful. Meanwhile, Tony begins losing his enthusiasm for his job on the police force, frustrated that there is no action or comparison to how they portray it on TV. He tries to get his chief to become shorter tempered, as per the stereotype in movies, by taking on bigger jobs. Charlie comes to Tony begging him to act as a voice of reason for the times ahead, not wanting to get hung up or paranoid about anything he may find odd about her. Charlie and Harriet begin falling deeper in love; he finds that she gets along great with his friends, they have perfectly matched passions, so he takes her to meet his parents. His parents Stuart and May are flagrantly Scottish, and tend to believe in conspiracy theories themselves, at which Charlie scoffs. His mother relies on the Weekly World News to keep her factually updated and keeps them stacked up as reading material. Charlie picks one up in the bathroom, out of bemusement, and finds an article on "Mrs. X", a bride who kills her husbands on their honeymoon, who seems to perfectly match Harriet. The killer's three reported victims were a plumber named Ralph, a lounge singer from Atlantic City, and a Russian martial arts student. Now strongly suspicious of her, Charlie begs Tony to investigate. After finding that the husbands in question that have disappeared have been reported missing along with their wives, Charlie tries to let the issue go. Unfortunately, his panic gets worse, suspecting her all the while but trying to cover it up, and eventually he breaks up with her. After a few days of gloom, Tony informs him that one of the husband's killers confessed. Charlie, realizing that he needs to make changes, rushes back to Harriet, informing her that he will see a therapist. He wins her over by playing one of his poems from her rooftop, and as they reconcile, every doubt he had gets disproved. Her friend Ralph was actually a girl, for example. At his parents 30th year anniversary, Charlie proposes to Harriet, and soon a wedding is underway. Later, they venture off to a secluded hotel up in the mountains for their honeymoon. Meanwhile, back at the police station, the chief informs Tony that the woman who had taken credit for the murder of the plumber was actually a compulsive confessor. Tony faxes a photo of Harriet to all of the known associates of the three missing husbands, and they all recognize her as their friends' wife. Tony tries desperately to contact Charlie but finds that the phone lines are down due to a storm where they are honeymooning, so he charters a plane. Upon landing he calls Charlie and warns him that Harriet is "Mrs. X", but before he can tell him anything else, their phone line gets knocked down, and the power goes out. Charlie desperately tries to escape, but Harriet finds him and begins acting unsettled and confrontational as he tries to leave her without letting on that he knows her traits. The endearing staff literally forces them into their hotel room to spend their first night together, and Charlie finds himself alone in the room with Harriet and an ax for the firewood. Harriet locks the door and begins telling him that she's been married before. He forces her into the closet and locks it, then looks down at their desk and sees a "Dear Jane" letter for Harriet, saying he has run away. Rose then leaps from the shadows and swipes at Charlie with the ax, stating that the husband "is never supposed to be in the room when the note is found", revealing herself to be the true killer. Charlie has no option but to run to the roof and try to evade Rose long enough for the police to show up. Eventually Tony leads the police into the hotel but arrests Harriet, still believing her to be the murderer. Rose swings the ax at Charlie and is thrown off the building, with only Charlie holding her up from falling to her death, prompting Tony to come to her aid. The authorities take her away, and Charlie and Harriet resume their lives afterward as a happy couple.

Pee-Wee Herman wakes from a dream in which he has won the Tour de France. After having breakfast, Pee-Wee decides to ride his bike down to the local shopping center. The bicycle itself is heavily customized, tricked out with specialized fenders, a spring-loaded ejection seat, custom wheel caps and a gold license plate declaring it's his property. Pee Wee keeps it in a hidden shed protected by a coded theft system and camouflaged by a bush. Pee Wee spends a short period of time polishing and admiring his bike before he meets up with Francis Buxton, a local and spoiled overgrown rich kid who wants to buy Pee-Wee's bike as a birthday gift for himself. Pee-Wee rebukes this offer and ridicules Francis, before cycling off, with Francis shouting after him that "he'll be sorry." Pee-Wee arrives at the shopping center, where he chains his bike to a clown statue, before stopping off at a nearby magic shop. Next, he goes to the local bicycle shop to procure a new horn. While there, an employee and friend of Pee-Wee's named Dottie, attempts to ask Pee-Wee on a date, which he refuses, telling her he's too much of a "loner" and a "rebel" for her. Pee-Wee then returns to his bike... only to find the chains destroyed and his bike gone. He returns to the bike shop and yells for Dottie and faints. Pee-Wee goes to the police, but they are unable to help him. When asked if anyone might have really wanted his bike, Pee-Wee surmises that Francis Buxton must have taken it. Pee-Wee sneaks into the Buxton's mansion, and forces Francis to confess. However, Francis' father explains that Francis couldn't have stolen the bike, since Francis and his father have been at the mansion setting up his birthday train set all morning. Pee-Wee is still determined to find his bike, and begins to post fliers and goes on the radio to alert people about it. Unknown to Pee-Wee, Francis did have a hand in the theft of his bike, hiring a shady guy to steal the bike for him. However, with Pee-Wee not giving up the search, Francis becomes nervous and pays the hired guy extra to get rid of the bicycle. Down on his luck, Pee-Wee wanders the rainy streets of town - scaring off a small gang merely by hissing at them - and visits a phony psychic, who convinces Pee-Wee that his bike is in the basement of The Alamo. Pee-Wee then sets out on his epic journey to get there. His first encounter while hitchhiking is with an escaped criminal named Mickey driving a stolen Edsel Corsair, who was arrested for cutting the tag off a mattress. Even with his criminal background, Pee-Wee still takes a shine to Mickey, and helps him get past a police roadblock. That evening, while driving, Pee-Wee almost gets them killed when he tries to swerve around a series of (impossible) turns in the road. Mickey has had enough of his eccentric travel-mate and orders Pee-Wee out of the car, before driving off into the dark night. Pee-Wee next hitches a ride from a rather strange trucker named Large Marge, who tells him a creepy story about "the worst accident I ever seen" which happened 10 years earlier on the very same road they're on. Pee Wee hangs on her every word until her face suddenly becomes horribly monstrous and he screams before she changes back. After dropping him off at a truck stop restaurant, and telling Pee-Wee "Be sure an' tell 'em Large Marge sent ya!" Pee-Wee is further shocked to find that Large Marge was killed ten years ago to the day... and that he was riding with her ghost. After the ordeal, Pee-Wee attempts to have a meal, but finds that his wallet is gone (which was stolen earlier by the phony psychic). After washing and drying dishes in the kitchen to pay for his meal, a friendly waitress named Simone asks him to watch the sunrise with her. They sit together in the mouth of a Tyrannosaurus Rex statue nearby, and while watching the sunrise, Simone and Pee-Wee discuss their dreams. Simone's dream is to one day go to Paris, but she feels her boyfriend Andy won't let her. Pee-Wee encourages her to follow her dreams. However, as they exit the statue at dawn, the hulking Andy is waiting to clobber Pee-Wee, thinking 'the worst' has happened. Pee-Wee escapes on a nearby freight train, where he runs into a hobo named Jack, who then proceeds to sing all manner of songs until Pee-Wee finally jumps from the train... which just happened to have arrived in San Antonio, Texas. Pee-Wee quickly seeks out the Alamo and takes a boring and sappy tour, only to find that it doesn't have a basement! Dejected and back to square one, Pee-Wee attempts to take a bus home, when he runs into Simone, who explains that she left Andy, and is planning to go to Paris and follow her dreams. Shortly after she leaves, her jealous boyfriend Andy appears, and on seeing Pee-Wee, gives chase. The chase leads them to a rodeo, where Pee-Wee, disguised as a cowboy, rides a bull. He stays on for a record amount of time but is thrown off. When he's spotted by Andy, the thug tries to catch him but is chased off by another bull. However, Pee-Wee suffers a slight concussion, and lapses into a temporary state of amnesia. When the small crowd that revived him asks if he can remember anything, he says he remembers the Alamo and they all cheer. Wandering the road lonely and lost, Pee-Wee finds a tavern, the private hangout of a gang named "Satan's Helpers", a loud and rowdy group of bikers. While trying to make a phone call, he shushes them. They eject him. After accidentally knocking over their bikes, the bikers are intent on killing Pee-Wee, but give into his 'last request,' and watch as he dons a pair of white platform loafers and dances to the song "Tequila". Having won them over, the bikers then give Pee-wee one of their motorcycles, and send him on his way. Unfortunately, Pee-Wee's first time on a motorcycle proves disastrous, and he crashes shortly thereafter. The gang escorts his ambulance to the hospital. After being rushed to the hospital, Pee-Wee has a strange dream about a group of clown-faced doctors trying to repair his bicycle and then having it dropped in a flaming cauldron, with Francis nearby, dressed as the Devil. Pee Wee wakes up a little later to see a television program, showing his bike had been donated to a child actor on the Warner Brothers studio lot. Immediately regaining his memory, Pee-Wee heads to Hollywood, California. After sneaking into the studio's backlot, he discovers that his bike is a prop in a movie about an orphaned kid who leaves it to the orphanage before he sets out on his own. Disguised as a nun, he steals the bicycle from the set. After leading the studio's security on a wild chase through various sound stages, including a Godzilla set, a beach party setup, one dedicated to Christmas and Santa and past the band Twisted Sister shooting a music video, Pee-Wee manages to escape from the studio, but not before finding a burning pet store nearby. Pee-Wee manages to rescue almost all the animals, but in the wake of his heroism, is arrested by the police for his transgressions on the studio lot. However, after hearing his side of the story and events, one of the studio's executives sees the potential for a movie based on Pee-Wee's 'big adventure.' Pee-Wee agrees, only to have the film made into an action film starring James Brolin as a spy and Morgan Fairchild as his love interest. Pee-Wee himself is relegated to a cameo as a hotel bellhop with a dubbed-over voice. Even so, Pee-Wee is thrilled, and invites all his friends and people he met on his trip to view the picture at the local drive-in. Mickey is there, still imprisoned and heavily guarded. Pee Wee gives him a footlong hotdog, but the guards find a hacksaw blade that Pee Wee had tried to pass Mickey. Simone is there with her new French boyfriend, Pierre. And his friends in the biker gang are there too. Francis even shows up, persuading a press junket about what "good friends" he and Pee-Wee are. Francis even attempts to sit on Pee-Wee's bike for a photo-op. Pee Wee of course wants no part of it but realizes his opportunity to have his revenge and invites Francis on. With the brat in place, Pee Wee triggers the bike's ejection seat and Francis is sent hurtling skyward. Dottie is there too, having finally gotten her date with him. Pee-Wee wants to leave early, admitting he doesn't need to see the whole film, since he already lived it.