Phil Silvers

Set in Rome during the first century A.D. during the early years of the Roman Empire, the film opens with one of the musicals most famous songs, "Comedy Tonight," performed by Pseudolus. The lyrics tell the audience they will see some familiar things, others peculiar, some appealing, others appalling, some gaudy, and definitely others that are bawdy, in other words, something for everyone. Ultimately, Pseudolus promises a happy ending. The action, Pseudolus tells the audience, takes place in Rome around three adjacent houses: the house of Erronius (Latin for "wrong"), an old man who has been searching for his children who were stolen by pirates while they were infants; the house of Marcus Lycus, a buyer and seller of beautiful women, and the house of Senex (Latin for "old man" or "senile"), a Roman senator, his wife, Domina (Latin for "mistress"), who is loathed by her husband, their son, Hero, and his slave, Pseudolus, who is attempting to raise enough money to buy his freedom. One day when Senex and Domina leave for a trip, Hero tells Pseudolus that he's in love with a girl in the house next door. Pseudolus seizes the opportunity to bargin for his freedom. Hero agrees if Pseudolus can get the girl for him, he will free him. Pseudolus and Hero visit the house of Lycus to purchase Hero's beloved. Lycus presents several of his courtesans for their inspection: Tintinabula (Latin for "bell"), a bell-wearing beauty, dances to middle eastern music; Vibrata (Latin for "vibrant"), an energetic, lively dark-skinned lovely who is dressed in a leopard skin bikini, dances to jazz; Geminae (Latin for "twins") are a matched pair that Lycus will not separate; Panacea (Latin for "cure all") dances seductively; and Gymnasia (Latin for "nude," which she may have been in the original musical, but in the film she is portrayed as speechless) is a mute from the Island of Silent Women. Gymnasia and Pseudolus communicate in sign language and he immediately falls for her. When Hero's dream woman is not among the girls who are presented, Lycus tells them that she is a virgin who recently arrived from Crete and he has sold her to a famous Roman soldier. Being an excellent fabricator of lies, Pseudolus claims Crete has been ravaged by a plague, and since he has already had the plague, he would happily look after the girl in Senex's house until the soldier comes to claim her. Lycus gulibly agrees to Pseudolus offer. Once they return to the house of Senex, Hero and the girl get to know each other. He learns that her name is Philia (which in Greek means "love"). Philia sings "Lovely" (as "I'm Lovely"), in which she explains that "lovely is the one thing I can do." Hero then sings his reply, "You're Lovely," and they both agree they are happy to have found each other. Even though Philia has fallen in love with Hero, she insists she must honor the contract Marcus Lycus made to sell her. Pseudolus devises a plan to give Philia a sleeping potion. Once she is unconscious, he will tell Lycus that she died from the plague. When they move her body for burial, Hero can then take her away to Greece and Pseudolus will get his freedom. Pseudolus steals a potion book from Hysterium (Latin for "hysterial"), another slave in the house of Senex. The only sleeping potion ingredient he doesn't have is mare's sweat, so he and Hero head in different directions to obtain some. While they are away, Senex unexpectedly returns home and knocks three times on his door. Pseudolus had told Philia that three knocks was the signal of her purchaser, Captain Miles Gloriosus (Latin for "braggart soldier"). Hearing the knocks, Philia assumes Senex is the captain, so she offers herself to him. She tells him that he may have her body but will never have her heart. The old Senator is more than happy to take her body, with or without her heart. Pseudolus returns with the mare's sweat just in time to see Senex and Philia embracing. He tells Senex that the girl is a new maid he has hired. That leads into the hilarious song, "Everybody Ought to Have a Maid." Senex is very much in favor of maids especially those who butter up the master with sexual favors. Hysterium joins Senex and Pseudolus for a chorus of the song, and then they are joined by Lycus, who is checking on the condition of the virgin. These lecherous fellows particularly like maids who wriggle, giggle and jiggle as they putter around the house. After the song, Pseudolus convinces Senex that he needs a bath after his road trip (Senex is actually smelling the mare's sweat) and since his son could be home, he should bathe and receive the girl in Erronius' long-abandoned house next door. Just after Senex heads for his bath, Erronius returns from his exhaustive twenty year search for his two long-lost offspring. The elderly and semi-senial Erronius, who is now almost blind, reveals that each of the children is wearing a ring with a gaggle of geese engraved upon it. When Erronius heads for his house, he hears Senex singing as he bathes. Hysterium, desperate to keep Erronius out of his house, tells the old man his house is haunted. Erronius demands Hysterium find a soothsayer to banish the haunting spirit from his house. Overhearing, Psuedolus pretends to be a soothsayer and orders Erronius to run around the Seven Hills of Rome seven times to banish the spirit. Meanwhile, two Roman Army emissaries of Captain Miles Gloriosus arrive at Lycus' house to make certain everything is in order for their commander to receive his purchased courtesan. They threaten to turn Lycus' women over to the soldiers and burn his house if anything is amiss. Fearing the Captain's wrath, Lycus talks Pseudolus into substituting for him for an hour. Pseudolus is more than happy to oblige since he gets to see Gymnasia again. Pseudolus convinces Lycus that it would be best to move all the girls into Senex's house. Meanwhile, Senex has finished his bath, but orders Hysterium to bring him an energy (love) potion prior to his rendezvous with Philia. When Captain Gloriosus and his troops march into the city, the captain sings "Bring Me My Bride." This conceited soldier claims to be a man among men but is also admired and desired by all women. He is impatient to receive his bride because he has towns to plunder, temples to burn and women to abuse. Pseudolus, pretending to be Lycus, tires to delay delivering Philia. The Captain gives him half an hour to deliver the girl or else. While Gloriosus waits, he dictates his memoirs and his men enjoy Lycus' courtesans. Meanwhile, Lycus, who is drinking in a nearby bar, learns from a fellow patron there is no plague in Crete. When he tries to return to reveal the lie, he isn't admitted into his own house because everyone, as he had instructed, swears Pseudolus is Lycus. Domina returns from her trip early because she had a premonition that Senex was up to something. She goes to the market to purchase a breeder slave and picks a robust, stocky female specimen. Once they return home, the breeder takes a liking to Pseudolus. He puts her in a room and tells her he will knock on the door three times when he returns. He sends one of the Captain's soldiers to the room and tells him to knock three times (the soldier thinks he's getting one of Lycus' women). Later, Pseudolus sends Senex to the breeder's room (Senex assumes Philia is there), but escapes the breeder slave through the window. When Domina is introduced to the Captain, she is smitten. Then when Hysterium brings the energy potion to Senex, Domina stops him and thirstly consumes the liquid. Pseudolus tells Domina to wait in the Green Room and he will send the Captain to her. About the same time, Senex climbs in the window of the Green Room, where he expects to be joined by Philia. He and his wife are both unpleasantly surprised to end up in the same room. When Philia hears the voice of the Captain, she recognizes it as the brute who raped her country, "Thrace." She claims he did it three times. Pseudolus questions, "He raped Thrace thrice?" Pseudolus decides to tell the Captain the virgin has died, but in order to make it convincing, he needs a body. After a lot of convincing, Hysterium agrees to dress in drag and pretend to be the dead Philia. Pseudolus sings a reprise of "Lovely" (as "You're Lovely"; a hilarious self-spoof of the musical number sung by Hero earlier in the film) to convince Hysterium he can pull off the ruse. Once convinced, Hysterium sings "I'm Lovely." To complete Hysterium's outfit, Pseudolus gives him the old man's ring - the one with the gaggle of geese. As the funeral procession begins, Hero returns with a cup of mare's sweat. He is so distraught when he learns that Philia is dead that he plans to throw himself to the lions. Before he leaves, however, Senex mistakes the mare's sweat for the energy potion, drinks it and immediately passes out. Pseudolus tells the Captain the virgin died because the sight of his glorious physique was too much of a shock. The conceited Gloriosus competely understands and is saddened that the girl would have died before she experienced him. Gloriosus insists on a proper funeral including cremation of the body. He also composes and sings a funeral dirge ("The Dirge"). When the Captain starts to give the dead virgin a farewell kiss, Pseudolus tells him she actually died of the plague she contracted in Crete. Unfortunately, the Captain had been stationed in Crete and knew there was no plague there. When the Captain says he is going to cut the girl's heart out and take it with him, Hysterium jumps up and runs away. Gymnasia communicates to Philia that Hero thinks she is dead, so he is going to throw himself to the lions. Distraught, Philia decides to sacrifice herself to the gods. Gymnasia then tells Pseudolus that Philia and Hero are both planning to kill themselves. Hero sneaks into a nearby arena during a gladiator training session. Pseudolus finds him there just before the gladitor knocks Hero in the head. He manages to save Hero and tells him that Philia is alive and has gone to the Temple of the Virgins to sacrifice herself. The gladitor then fights Pseudolus and captures him, but Gymnasia saves Pseudolus and they get away in a chariot. Hero climbs to the roof of the Temple and from a hole in the top saves Philia. They ride away in a chariot. A madcap, comic chase ensues with the Captain chasing Hero and Philia and Pseudolus and Gymnasia. Once the Captain captures them, they return to Rome for a quick wedding and a slow execution. Back in the city, Erronius, who has made several circles around the hills of the city, recognizes the gaggle-of-geese ring worn by Philia. Miles also has a gaggle-of-geese ring, which means they are brother and sister - the long-lost siblings of Erronius. That means Philia is a free-born citizen of Rome and cannot be sold as a courtesan. It also means that the Captain cannot marry his sister, so Hero and Philia can marry. A happy ending just as the lyrics of "Comedy Tonight" had promised (a reprise of the song is heard). Hero and Philia get each other, Senex and Domina get each other (whether they like it or not), Miles gets the twins, Erronius gets his family back, the soldiers get Lycus' women, Lycus must get a new supply of girls, and Pseudolus gets his freedom. And the moral? The cast sings, "Morals tomorrow! Comedy tonight!"

The film begins with an accident on a lonely freeway in the Southern California desert: Ex-con Smiler Grogan (Jimmy Durante) loses control of his car and drives it off a cliff. A group of motorists -- dentist Melville Crump (Sid Caesar), best friends and comediens Dingy Bell (Mickey Rooney) and Benjy Benjamin (Buddy Hackett), entrepreneur J. Russell Finch (Milton Berle), and trucker Lennie Pike (Jonathan Winters) -- stop to assist Grogan, but he is fatally injured. In his last words, he mentions a cache of loot he hid under a big W at a park in Santa Rosita. The police arrive, but to get out of being held for questioning, all the motorists inform them Grogan was raving and didn't mention anything significant. The motorists continue their separate ways: Crump is on honeymoon with his wife Monica (Edie Adams), Dingy and Benjy are on holiday to Vegas, Pike has furniture to transport to Yuma, and Finch, his young wife Emmeline (Dorothy Provine), and his mean, overbearing mother-in-law Mrs. Marcus (Ethel Merman) were on vacation at Lake Mead, but eventually they all decide to stop and discuss Grogan's words. They try to reason with each other for a fair share, but inevitably matters deteriorate as it becomes clear that all of them are too greedy to divide the money equally, with each party demanding a bigger cut should they find the buried cash. It leads to Benjy deciding to plan a full-out race to get to the money, and everyone gets back into their vehicles and drives off. Dingy and Benjy race against the Crumps to get a plane to fly to Santa Rosita. The Crumps win and charter a pilot, who owns a rickety World War I biplane in which they make the journey, but when they go to a hardware store to get shovels to dig out the money, the place closes down and they end up trapped inside. Dingy and Benjy drive to another airport and hire Tyler Fitzgerald (Jim Backus), a millionaire who loves to drink and fly, to take them to Santa Rosita, but en route Tyler gets drunk and passes out, forcing the two to fly the plane on their own. Pike crashes his truck into the Finches, putting both vehicles out of comission. They force him to go get them another automobile by having him ride a bicycle from inside his truck. The Finches later get a ride with Colonel Hawthorne (Terry Thomas), a British officer on holiday, and leave Pike behind. Mrs. Marcus hits on a brilliant idea: Her devoted son, Sylvester (Dick Shawn), is a lifeguard in Santa Rosita, so she tries to contact him, but he's busy dancing with a bikini-clad girl. Besides, Russell doesn't trust Sylvester not to take the money and steal away, and gets into an argument with Mrs. Marcus, resulting in Hawthorne and Russell abandoning Emmeline and her mother, and going ahead on their own. Mrs. Marcus eventually manages to call Sylvester, but he mishears her and thinks Russell got her into trouble, so he leaves Santa Rosita to go save her. Pike meanwhile gets a ride with sneaky, smooth-talking motorist Otto Meyer (Phil Silvers). A desperate Pike makes the foolish mistake of telling Meyer the whole situation to get his cooperation and a lift, and is abandoned on the road, as the greedy Meyer decides to go for the money for himself. An enraged Pike chases Meyer to a gas station where Meyer stopped to get a tire fixed, but Meyer convinces the gas attendants, Irwin and Ray, to tie him up. This doesn't stop Pike: He wrecks the station and makes off with the attendants' tow truck. He reluctantly picks up Mrs. Marcus and Emmeline, and later Sylvester, Russell, and Hawthorne, who've been quarreling. Meanwhile, Meyer stops to give a ride to a miner stranded on the side of the road and is forced to help the miner drive down a rocky mountainside to his cabin so the miner can deliver medicine to his sick wife. But after dropping the miner off, Meyer finds himself stuck in a ravine, unable to drive his car up the steep hills. The miner's son decides to show Meyer an "easy way back" to the main road. The trail leads Meyer and the miner's son down another steep hillside and to a river. Attempting to cross the river, Meyer's car sinks, but he manages to swim ashore. After walking back to the main road, Meyer manages to catch a ride with a nervous man (Don Knotts) who Meyer manages to con out of his car and carry on to Santa Rosita alone. Observing the whole manic marathon is Captain C.G. Culpepper (Spencer Tracy), a Santa Rosita cop and precinct commander who'd been tracking Smiler Grogan for years, and suspects that Grogan might have told the motorists about his hidden cash, confirmed by their erratic behavior. Culpepper's plan is to have the motorists followed by the state police hoping they find the money, then confiscate it and turn it over to the authorities and he can retire with his career on a successful note. However, he suffers family troubles: His wife constantly nags him; his daughter is always moody and running off; and his friend the police chief (William Demerist) tells him that his modest retirement pension won't be raised because his honesty has created enmity within the force. After thinking it over, and when discovery of the money is close at hand, Culpepper decides on a rash plan to move in and take off with all of the money for himself to Mexico as soon as he confiscates it. Everybody eventually converges on Santa Rosita: The Crumps have blasted out of the hardware store using dynamite, and Dingy and Benjy manage to land the plane; each duo commandeers a taxi to the park, each of whose drivers suspects something and get into the hunt. The others also arrive, and Culpepper surreptitiously slips in to follow them. The motorists manage to discover the Big W, four palm trees growing in a W shape, and find the money buried there, as Grogan promised. As they argue over how to split it, Culpepper introduces himself as an officer of the law, confiscates the money, and recommends that they turn themselves in so that the judge will be lenient and reduce their sentences. The motorists see Culpepper drive away, realize they've been had, and go after him (Dingy wants to return the money to the authorities to get a reward, while the greedy Mrs. Marcus wants the money for herself). The authorities also learn of Culpepper's absconding and order his arrest. A frantic and climactic chase results in all 11 men at the top of a condemned building from which Melville had ordered the women out, for their own safety. In the ensuing fracas, all the money is lost, as it falls into a gathering crowd. A firetruck arrives to bring the men down safely, but when they all try to climb on the ladder it goes out of control, throwing them off into various locations. The film ends with all the men in a prison hospital, awaiting trial for the mayhem they've caused. Culpepper, now an ex-cop, expects the worst-case scenario for himself. Greedy and selfish to the end, all of the men are blaming each other for the predicament they're now in. The women are in custody for their involvement, and Mrs. Marcus enters the ward, naturally places all the blame on the men, and promptly slips on a banana peel thrown by Benjy and hurts herself, having to be carried away shrieking on a gurney. All the men have a good laugh at this, including Culpepper.

Tongue-in-cheek fantasy film set in Baghdad and loosely based on the One Thousand and One Nights medieval story. On the run after being found sweet-talking the Sultan's daughter, Aladdin comes upon a lamp which, when rubbed, summons up Babs the genie. He uses it to return as a visiting prince asking for the princess's hand. Unfortunately for him, the sultan's wicked twin brother has secretly usurped the throne, someone else is after the lamp for his own ends, and Babs has taken a shine to Aladdin herself and is bent on wrecking his endeavours.

In New York City, eager to attain fame and glory, chorus dancer Maxine Martin (Leslie Brooks) enters a contest to be a Vanity magazine cover girl. Inspired by Maxine's initiative, Rusty Parker (Rita Hayworth), a fellow dancer who also works at the Brooklyn nightclub owned by former U.S. Army officer Danny Maguire (Gene Kelly), also enters the contest. The women are interviewed by Cornelia Jackson (Eve Arden), the assistant to magazine publisher John Coudair (Otto Kruger). When Jackson expresses an interest in Rusty, Maxine sabotages her rival's chances by telling her that Jackson is looking for a model with a brash personality. Consequently, when Rusty sashays into her office, Jackson dismisses her as a "gland case." Jackson then proposes Maxine as a candidate for the cover, and Coudair insists on going to Danny's club to see her in her "natural environment." At the club, Coudair is enchanted by Rusty, who reminds him of his long-lost sweetheart, Maribelle Hicks. In a flashback sequence, Coudair recalls a night 40 years earlier when he saw Maribelle dance at Tony Pastor's club and fell hopelessly in love. After her performance that night, Rusty joins Danny and Genius (Phil Silvers), another entertainer at the club, at Joe's Oyster Bar, where they engage in their Friday night ritual of searching for a pearl to bring them luck. When the three return to their apartment house, Rusty finds a telegram from Coudair, inviting her to his office the next day. Fearful that Coudair's offer will endanger the trio's close friendship, Genius tears up the telegram, but after he retires to his room, Rusty pieces it back together. Rusty keeps her appointment with Coudair, and when the publisher learns that Maribelle Hicks was her grandmother, he awards her his magazine's cover. Danny is crestfallen when Rusty's issue appears on the news stands, arguing that she should achieve success with her feet and not her face. Drawn by Rusty's notoriety, crowds begin to flock to Danny's club, and one day, Coudair brings Broadway theater owner Noel Wheaton (Lee Bowman) to meet Rusty and offer her a job. After Rusty rejects his overture, Wheaton tries to woo her with armloads of roses. When Wheaton's strategy fails, Coudair joins forces with him to lure Rusty to Broadway. To achieve his goal, Coudair sends Rusty an invitation to Vanity 's 50th anniversary dinner party. Rusty informs Danny that she plans to miss her performance at the club to attend the party, prompting an argument. Coudair summons Danny to pick up Rusty after the party, and Danny arrives at the Coudair mansion to find the house deserted except for his host. After admonishing Danny to free Rusty so that she can move on to a better life, Coudair recalls the day he introduced Maribelle to his society matron mother. When his mother disapproved of their romance, Maribelle threatened to return to her piano player sweetheart. As Coudair reminisces about the past, Wheaton drives Rusty to his luxurious Broadway theater, and she cavorts on the deserted stage. After leaving Coudair's house, Danny joins Genius at Joe's to wait for Rusty. When she fails to appear, Danny, after tortuous self-reflection, decides to sever his relationship with her. The next day, Rusty is late for rehearsal, and Danny gives her song to Maxine to perform. Rusty protests and storms out of the club, bound for Broadway. After making Rusty a star, Wheaton offers to make her his wife, and she agrees to give him an answer the following day. That night Rusty drives to Danny's club and discovers that Danny has closed his establishment and left town with Genius to entertain at U.S. Army camps and training facilities. She then goes to Joe's, where Wheaton and Coudair later find her, drunk. Although she accepts Wheaton's proposal, Coudair realizes that she is desperately unhappy. When Danny and Genius learn of Rusty's impending marriage, they come home to Brooklyn and Joe's. As Joe informs them that Rusty's wedding is to take place that night, Danny cracks open an oyster and finds a pearl. Determined to reunite the lovers, Genius takes the pearl to Coudair and asks him to deliver it to Rusty. Aware that Rusty is a most unhappy bride, Jackson exhorts Coudair to rectify his mistake of breaking up Rusty and Danny. As Coudair escorts Rusty down the aisle to the sound of the wedding march, he hands her the pearl and completes his story of his romance with Maribelle, revealing that Maribelle deserted him at the altar for her piano player. Heartened by Coudair's tale, Rusty realizes that she belongs with Danny, and as the minister recites the wedding vows, she announces that she is leaving. Still dressed in her wedding gown, Rusty hurries to Joe's and is there reunited with Danny and Genius in a joyful dance.